There is a debate about whether BDSM or vanilla dating is best. However, there are merits to each approach. However, we believe BDSM dating is the better option, especially if you are looking for a kinky partner. Here are some of the reasons we think this.
BDSM is better at building trust and encouraging you to communicate openly about your sexual preferences. Furthermore, there is a broader range of roles you can play in a BDSM relationship, which allows you to express your personality. BDSM relationships also have more clearly defined rules and boundaries than vanilla ones.
Admittedly, we are a little biased. We run a BDSM website and practice Master/slave dynamics in our personal life. But living and breathing BDSM has allowed us to experience the relationship benefits first-hand. Keep reading to learn more about why we prefer BDSM over vanilla dating.
BDSM Builds Trust Between Partners
Trust is essential, forming the bedrock of a strong relationship. BDSM play will require you to place much trust in your partner, compared to more vanilla relationships. There are multiple examples of this:
- Talking about kinks. When people think of BDSM, they imagine chains and whips. But before you get into the bedroom, you need to talk about your sexual fantasies. This will require you to be vulnerable, trusting that your partner will accept your desires.
- Knowing your limits in the bedroom. During fetish sex, you must place a lot of trust in your partner. BDSM sex involves acts that can be potentially painful or damaging to your mental health. Therefore, you need to know that your partner will respect your boundaries and avoid doing anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.
- Providing aftercare. BDSM scenes can get pretty wild. It feels good to push your limits, both physically and mentally. Once the scene is over, you will often need aftercare, discussing what occurred and how it made you feel. This takes care of your mental health and allows you to create more engaging BDSM scenes in the future. If you want to learn more, this article on BDSM aftercare goes into more depth about how it works.
Many people think that sex is just about the physical connection. But it’s more profound than that. It’s about building an emotional connection. So though vanilla sex can still be fun, it won’t form the same deep bond as fetish play.
You Can Set Rules For A BDSM Relationship
Rules play an essential role in all BDSM relationships. Even if you are just looking for a quick hook-up, you must set your limits and assign a safe word. This ensures you don’t get pushed into doing something uncomfortable with.
In a longer-term relationship, you might want to create a BDSM or Master/slave contract. This document will stipulate what kinks you wish to explore, what limits you have, and the type of punishments the Master can give to the slave.
This creates a chance to set some clear ground rules for the relationship. For example, is the Master allowed to text other people without the slave’s consent? Are there limits to how you can dress in public?
Discussing these issues is critical. First, it’s a chance to ensure you are both on the same page. This is something that many vanilla couples fail to do. As a result, a minor misunderstanding between partners can quickly become a major argument.
Control Is Freely Given In BDSM Relationships
One of the biggest criticisms that those in the vanilla community level against those in the BDSM is that the relationship dynamics can appear uneven. From the outside, it seems like the Dominant inflicts pain while the submissive must take it. They don’t understand that control has been negotiated and consensually handed over.
Both parties can discuss the way that their behavior is being controlled. If things become uncomfortable, the play can stop, and they can discuss what happened. So, finally, the ultimate control of all acts in BDSM is with the sub.
This can be compared to vanilla couples who suffer from control issues. In this case, it will often stem from one partner seeking to control the actions of the other using manipulative tactics. This type of control can be harder to identify and will have a toxic effect on the relationship, eroding trust and causing mental health issues.
Wider Range Of Roles
There are plenty of roles that you can explore within a BDSM relationship. These can include:
- Dominant/Master. This is the person who likes to take charge in the bedroom. They might also be able to exert control over other parts of their submissive’s life.
- Littles. Those in this group can be vulnerable around a Daddy they trust and will need someone who won’t take advantage. They might also need someone who can guide them in life, like making sure that they get to bed on time.
- Submissive. These people enjoy having a Dom who can take control and aren’t afraid to get rough in the bedroom, feeling the pleasure that can come from pain.
- Slaves. This is one of the most extreme BDSM roles. Being a slave extends beyond the bedroom and can influence all parts of your day-to-day life. If you are interested in this type of play, this beginner’s guide to Master/slave dynamics can help you get started.
- Switch. These people will change whether they are Dominant or submissive based on the type of scene they are performing.
On the other hand, vanilla relationships tend to have more limited power dynamics to explore. This can lead to some people feeling sexually and emotionally unsatisfied within a kink-free relationship.
Wider Range Of Sexual Pleasures
Sex is an integral part of any relationship. However, while vanilla sex can be a lot of fun, it can get boring after a while. Even if you’re a total pro at all the Kama Sutra and Tantric Sex positions, you still have more limited options than the wild variety you’ll find in a BDSM bedroom. Because on the flip side, BDSM dating lets you push your limits in the bedroom and ensures every encounter is one-of-a-kind. To prove our point, check out these thrilling BDSM options that you just won’t see in a vanilla relationship:
- Shibari. Aesthetically using rope to restrain your partner.
- Temperature play. This can include using hot wax or ice to give pleasure or pain. This guide to temperature play gives you some ideas to explore.
- Sensory deprivation: Isolate your partner’s senses from external stimuli using blindfolds, earplugs, or mouth gags.
- Impact Play. The fun part with whips, floggers, and canes.
- Restraining your partner. Handcuffs and their alternatives.
- Ethical non-monogamy, which allows you to have a consensual threesome.
- And much more…
This is just the beginning; there are literally hundreds of more fetishes that you can explore with your partner. Find the next 40 BDSM Activities To Try Out here.
BDSM Relationships Aren’t For Everyone
While we love BDSM and encourage all interested couples to give it a go, we also understand that this type of relationship isn’t right for everyone. Here are some things to consider when deciding if BDSM is a good fit for your personality:
- Can you keep an open mind? One of the joys of BDSM is putting your ego aside to learn more about your partner’s desires and do what you can to bring them to life.
- Can you think about your partner’s needs? Some people think that being Dominant allows them to do whatever makes them happy without any regard for their partner’s emotions. This is untrue. Dominants aim to use pain to create pleasure for their partner and leave them feeling sexually fulfilled.
- Can you fully trust a partner? If you have trust issues, BDSM isn’t for you. It will be difficult for you to relax when you give control to your partner.
Many people like vanilla sex and won’t be willing to step outside their comfort zone to explore the kinkier side of life. But, if you’re interested in exploring the more BDSM path, we suggest using a kinky dating app right from the start, particularly if you have a more intense kink. This ensures that you will be paired with an open-minded person willing to embrace your fetishes rather than wasting your time and money on vanilla dating apps that are likely to reject your kinks.
To learn more about BDSM dating apps and websites, check out our recommendation for the Top 9 BDSM Dating websites. Already decided and up to make the next move, enroll directly with Alt.com, Passion.com, or BDSM.com.
Final Thoughts
The world of BDSM has a broader range of sexual possibilities, so you can better explore your kinkier side. Plus, you get to use fun toys like restraints and whips.
But beyond the bedroom, BDSM can help you build trust and improve communication within a relationship. Though vanilla dating is still the most popular option, we recommend you sign up for some fetish apps and explore the possibilities of the BDSM world.