Why Am I Submissive?


In the world of dominance and submission, people of all different sexualities and genders engage in this kinky lifestyle. People who practice BDSM are called submissives or dominants. And much like how people in a vanilla relationship can be submissive one day and dominant the next, so too can people in a BDSM relationship be dominant one day and submissive the next. The difference lies in their roles and rules and the satisfaction you get.

However, if you’ve never fully immersed yourself in the diversity of this subject, likely, you occasionally feel strange or puzzled about your own desires. Feeling misunderstood and keeping your partner in the dark about your cravings/desires can be quite challenging. And indeed, society is often judgmental of this kind of kink.

Although some people could be critical, wouldn’t it be wiser to understand the “why”? …Yes! It will be easier to accept your preferences once you know the factors contributing to the kink. This way, you’ll realize that your cravings are normal and healthy. So, why are you submissive?

While you could be submissive because you choose to, another reason might be that you don’t have much choice. For example, it may be your calling, a task you believe you were destined for. Also, some psychological reasons could have compelled you to be submissive.

This post provides satisfactory explanations regarding the subject. Keep reading to discover why being a submissive is such an empowering experience for those who take on this role responsibly.

Submissive woman wearing a harness

A submissive woman wearing a harness

What is the Reason That I Am Submissive?

To answer this, let’s begin by defining who a submissive is.

According to Tracey Coates, a sexual wellness expert for the sex toy website Ricky.com, having a submissive kink as part of a BDSM sexual encounter is when the “submissive” person is willfully obedient and transfers the control and power to the “dominant” participant. Being the submissive partner means you enjoy receiving punishment, spanking, and other forms of control. Also, submissives are usually the ones who are in charge of initiating sexual activity and setting rules. They might also be the one who initiates a domination role, as well as the one who creates an interrogation or punishment role. (Those two last sentences are unclear, or maybe wrong?)

Now, to answer ‘why am I submissive,’ we already mentioned above that you could be submissive either because you choose to, you believe it’s your calling, or for psychological reasons.

However, whether being submissive is your calling or a decision will depend on your answers to the following questions. So let’s dive into the questions as we thrive on discovering why you’re submissive.

  • Do you enjoy satisfaction in submitting to your partner (dom) because that will make them happy? 
  • Do you often think of inventive ways to brighten your Dom’s or Domme’s day? 
  • Or do you feel being regulated and under your Dom/Domme’s gets their attention and affection?

If you answered yes to the above questions, you choose to be submissive for your partner’s sake. However, an incredible amount of responsibility rests on anybody, especially dominant ones who decide to walk the path of submissiveness. When you accept your role as a submissive partner, you must understand that people will sometimes resent you for taking on such a heavy burden. Occasionally you may question your commitment to this lifestyle, and others may even doubt your desire to remain in it.

Nonetheless, if you can withstand these attacks and continue walking this path, it’s guaranteed that it will lead you to an extraordinary place known as inner peace.

On the other hand, 

  • If you find pleasure in serving under the possibility of punishment? (Related article: punishment vs. funishment)
  • You enjoy complete power exchange (that is, following a system of stringent guidelines and procedures), or 
  • Do you feel loved living in a dominant goddess/god’s world?

Then you’re submissive because you don’t have much choice. Indeed, being submissive is your calling! Furthermore, for psychological reasons:

Recent research speculates that “the neurologic constitution of the brain’s pain and reward systems” may be a biochemical cause of submissive desires.

Generally, because our brain releases the same biochemicals during pain and sex, several other studies suggest that a bit of discomfort (such as receiving and obeying instructions during the power exchange submissive play) may increase pleasure. However, while scientists have proven this true, others take it even further. They claim that experiencing pain causes them to feel “floaty” or “high.” Some people liken the sensation to getting “runners high,” the feeling experienced by runners after long runs.

How Do you Know you’re a Submissive?

Submissive woman

Submissiveness is not a hidden character. From observation, one can tell if a partner is submissive. If you’re new to BDSM, you might be submissive if you have the following signs:

  • Unwillingness to take on the role of primary caretaker in a relationship.

  • Submitting to your partner’s every wish. Always do things that please your partner.

  • Your eyes soften or become weak when your partner looks at you.

  • You often allow yourself to be punished for infractions.

  • You enjoy giving up control.

Note!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a submissive partner. In fact, there are three main reasons why the role of being a submissive is considered an empowering experience. It can lead to intimacy, it can create mental health benefits + it can strengthen your bond with your dominant partner.

What Do you Need to Know as a Submissive?

To be a submissive involves a variety of experiences. You and your partner can indulge in any way you like. However, here are a few standard practices used by the dominant/submissive (aka, dom/sub) practitioners in the bedroom.

  1. Permission and Penalty: Permission and punishment are two significant tensions that arise throughout most dominating and submissive sexual interactions. During this session, if the sub wants to engage in any particular actions (such as oral sex or orgasming), they must request permission, and if they violate the dom’s rules, the dom has the right to punish the sub. When first beginning out with dom/sub play, the dom is permitted to set up a few attractive regulations (for example, picking the sex positions or what the sub is allowed to wear) and punishments (spanking, edging or chastity, or bondage).
  2. Spanking: Spanking, specifically erotic spanking, is a kind of impact play in which the dom spanks sections of the sub’s body with their hands, a whip, paddle, or crop for consented and shared sexual pleasure. Dom can use spanking as foreplay before sexual activity or as a kinky punishment during submissive and dominant play. Receiving an erotic spanking increases blood flow in the genital area and releases pleasurable chemicals in the brain, such as dopamine and endorphins, which promote sexual satisfaction.
  3. Dirty talk: In dominant/submissive play, using specific vocabulary in the bedroom is an essential aspect of submissive behavior. As a sub, you can address your partner with respectful pronouns such as “sir” or “madam” to demonstrate their authority, while your partner can address you as “slut” or “slave.” If you and your partner are both new to dom/sub play and you notice your spouse is not quite sure how to behave as a dom, consider making deferential ideas, such as what you will do for them or how they can punish you for bad behavior.
  4. Roleplaying scenes can help begin the action of a dom/sub scene since they provide easy roles for each individual to fall into and allow you to detach yourself from the event if you are feeling a little stage fright. If you’re just getting started, think about roleplaying settings that already include a power dynamic, such as master and servant, trainer and trainee, or doctor and patient.
  5. Clothing: Dom/sub play usually includes specific outfits or attire you can wear throughout a session. Doms, for example, may dress in leather clothes, suits, and boots or heels, while subs may dress in collars, leashes, or roleplay-based costumes such as maid dresses. Dressing the part might assist your partner and you immerse yourselves in your roles and explore different aspects of yourselves.

How am I Protected as a Submissive During a BDSM Play?

One of the biggest misconceptions about BDSM is that one person could forcibly harm or force their submissive into a particular position. This couldn’t be further from the truth. In a typical BDSM play, there are always agreed boundaries (hard/soft limits) and safe words. Therefore, a submissive could feel safe! The submissive has the final authority and power over the whole scene because anytime they call the safe word, the scene/play is over.

The beauty of BDSM is that it’s consensual and mutual, which means both parties agree to what they are doing. When you become a submissive, you accept incredible responsibility and trust your partner with everything you have.

That said, this doesn’t mean your partner can do whatever they want with you without repercussions. It’s important to remember that there are consequences if someone breaks this trust in a game of dominance/submission.

As a woman, why do you like to be submissive?

For many women, being submissive is a way of expressing their femininity and finding empowerment in their sexuality. They often enjoy the power that comes from being able to offer themselves up to others and surrendering control to them. Although it can be difficult for some women to come to terms with this lifestyle, knowing that they can choose what they want in their relationship makes it worth every struggle.

Any woman who has ever been involved in BDSM has likely experienced empowerment through this practice. It’s not an easy lifestyle by any means. Still, it’s incredibly rewarding when you understand that you can make decisions about what happens in your relationship without fear of judgment or censure.

Submissive woman laying on the bed
A submissive woman laying on the bed

As a man, why do you like to be submissive?

Some men feel like they can give up control and surrender to their dom. BDSM is a way to live out their fantasies while maintaining masculinity for these men. The intimacy during BDSM also allows them to explore their sexuality in a way they might not be able to do on their own.

What do Submissive Women or Men Like in Bed?

One of the most beautiful things about being submissive is that you will never lack love. Many dominant people in BDSM relationships do not believe there are limits to what they can give their submissive partner. When you’re dominant, everything comes from your heart. You know that your submissive partner will feel loved and treasured every time, so you don’t have to worry about them feeling neglected or unloved by the relationship.

As someone submissive, you should be open to whatever your dominant partner has planned. This gives them more power because they can bring out their desires without worrying about their preferences. Additionally, this allows you to trust them and feel safe, knowing they will not hurt you in any way.

Also, being submissive allows your dominant partner to focus on their needs without any distractions or judgment from the outside world. A key point about this type of relationship is that it’s based on mutual respect – both partners are willing to give up control for one another.

What is the psychology behind being submissive?

Being submissive could have many psychological and personality-related reasons. Among these are past trauma or abuse, low confidence and self-esteem, experience and feeling of health and safety, obligation and duty, as well as bonding and trust. Many submissives are born with the character or develop it very early, while others learn it later for specific reasons to fit particular needs. If you want to learn more about it, see our article on “What causes a submissive personality.”

Conclusion

So far, we have covered why you might be submissive, which may be because you believe it’s your calling, either by choice or for psychological reasons. Understanding why you’re submissive will make the role more manageable for you and help you accept your preferences without being too judgmental. In addition, once you appreciate the reasons for this kink, you’ll realize that your cravings are normal and healthy.

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