While Dating – How To Spot A Fake Dom And Run

When you are dating, you’ll meet plenty of interesting people. Many of them will have your best intentions at heart, wanting you to have a great experience. But this isn’t always true. A fake Dom is one of the most dangerous types of people you will encounter. These individuals are known for their manipulative personalities and their risky play. Sadly, this can lead to serious physical and mental harm.

Keep reading to learn the signs of a fake Dom to protect yourself.  

What Is A Fake Dom, And Why Are They Dangerous?

A fake Dom is defined as someone who wants to take the dominant role in a BDSM relationship, despite lacking the relevant experience and skill set. Unlike a genuine newbie, a fake Dom often lies about their experience level. Furthermore, they won’t be interested in learning how to be a Dom safely. 

As you can imagine, this will have severe consequences for the relationship. A fake Dom will twist the D/s dynamic to serve their needs while ignoring their submissive needs. This is especially dangerous for a new submissive, who might not have the experience to spot the manipulations that a fake Dom is using. 

Here are some potential dangers of becoming involved with a fake Dom:

• Harming your relationships. Often, a fake Dom will try to seize control over your life. This can include trying to limit the people you talk to. 
• Physical or emotional abuse. This can leave a devastating impact on the submissive. Often, the fake Dom will attempt to convince the sub that this is part of BDSM play. 
• Distorting your view of BDSM. If a fake Dom is successful, it will taint your view of kinky play. As a result, you might start to see dangerous behaviors as normal and acceptable. This can carry into future relationships, placing new partners at risk. 

Spotting A Fake Dom On A Dating Website

The good news is that you don’t need to fall victim to a Fake dom. There are plenty of signs that will give them away. Here are some of the tricks they might use on a dating website: 

• Want to be called Master immediately. It’s not uncommon for terms like Master and slave to be used within a BDSM relationship. But these aren’t used from the first interaction. Instead, you must take some time to get to know each other first. A few terms can be used to describe a Dom, and it’s essential to understand the differences and have a conversation about which one best represents their personality. 
•  Trying to dominate you from the first conversation. A genuine Dom is likely to spend the first few conversations getting to know you as a person. Afterward, they will want to know what you like in the bedroom and your boundaries. This is their way of vetting you, ensuring you are looking for the same dynamic they are. On the other hand, a fake Dom will often try to get you to submit immediately. Furthermore, the conversation will often go directly to sex. 
• Controlling comments. Fake Doms often want to exert a lot of control over their partners. As a result, they might start to comment about the type of clothes you should wear or the type of friends you should be hanging out with. Usually, these will start very early in your relationship, before you have gotten to know each other. 
• Meeting on their schedule. Fake Doms don’t care about the needs of their subs. As a result, you will be expected to communicate at a convenient time for them. 
• Keeping large parts of their life secret. At the start of a BDSM relationship, it’s common to want to keep some parts of your life hidden. This ensures that your identity can’t be discovered, so you can’t be kink-shamed by the vanilla community. But as you go deeper into the relationship, you can reveal these details to those you trust. A fake Dom won’t want to give you any personal information. This indicates that they aren’t who they say they are. 
• Can’t control their own life. Your Dom should be able to take responsibility within their own life. This shows that they are capable of looking after a second person. 
• Want to meet up in private? It’s best to have your first few meetings in a public location. With plenty of people around, it will be easy to get help if you become uncomfortable. However, a fake Dom might want your first meet-up in private and urge you to avoid making a safety call. This is a significant warning sign, with the potential for things to go south quickly. 

All of these signs can combine to form someone who can appear superficially charming. But once you dig beneath the surface, you’ll start to see the warning signs as they start to appear creepy. When dating online, you should always pay attention to your gut. If something seems off, it probably is. 

Signs Of A Fake Dom In A Relationship

Often, the full extent of a fake Dom’s manipulation is only revealed once they are in a relationship. Here are some of the warning signs that you should be looking out for: 

• Ignoring your limits. Just because you are a submissive doesn’t mean that you need to do whatever your Dom tells you to. You have a right to set boundaries within a scene. Sometimes, a fake Dom won’t even bother to ask for your consent. 
• Pressuring you. A real Dom knows that there will be things you aren’t comfortable with and will steer clear of those areas. On the other hand, a fake Dom might try to pressure you to adjust your limits. For example, they might say you aren’t a real sub unless you do what they want. Alternatively, they might threaten to abandon you. 
• Not considering your needs. It’s common for a Dom to require their sub to perform specific tasks. For example, you might be needed to do domestic chores or have sex when the Dom requests it. But that doesn’t mean that the sub doesn’t have needs. For example, they might want a strong Dom who makes them feel protected. 
• Failing to provide aftercare. BDSM play can be emotionally challenging. Aftercare is a great way to process these emotions and help you recover after an intense scene. However, a fake Dom won’t understand the importance of this concept. As a result, they might skip the aftercare process entirely. 
• Getting angry when you don’t follow their instructions. A fake Dom will get angry when you don’t do everything they tell you. They might even become physical. On the other hand, a real Dom will stop the scene, understand your issues, then try to find a solution. 
• Forcing you into dangerous situations. A fake Dom doesn’t have the necessary experience and skill to craft a safe BDSM scene. As a result, they might start to skip safety protocols. You should never go along with anything you think might be unsafe. 
• Asking you for gifts. A genuine Dom should want to step up into the role of a provider, taking care of their sub. Because of this, it’s rare for a sub to need to pay financial gifts to their Dom. If they keep asking you for money, they are likely trying to catfish you. The only exception to this is financial domination, though this usually requires extensive conversations to build trust. 
• Cheating. Many fake Doms will already be in a relationship, cheating on their partner with you. They might try to justify this by saying that they require more than one sub to meet their needs. But this is a huge red flag, showing that they don’t care about breaking their partner’s trust. 
• They are only interested in sex. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying a strong sex life with your partner. But it does get problematic when sex is the only thing that they are interested in. 
• Not wanting to get feedback. A real Dom will love feedback; it allows them to create a better experience for their sub. A fake Dom, though, doesn’t really care about pleasing their sub. So, they are likely to dismiss all your feedback. This can make it hard for a sub to communicate openly with their Dom. 

The best option, though, is to consider how you feel when you are with them. Do they make you feel accepted and valued? Do you look forward to BDSM play? Or do they dismiss your input and make you feel useless? If they don’t make you feel good about yourself, it’s time to move on. 

Vetting A Dom

Of course, the best way to spot a fake Dom is through the vetting process. Here are some of the things you should consider: 

• What resume do they have? If a Dom is experienced, they should have developed a resume of previous partners. You can contact these people to verify that this Dom is a safe playmate. If a supposedly experienced Dom doesn’t want you to contact their previous partners, there are a few conclusions you can draw. First, either the other people didn’t have a good experience, or they didn’t have any previous partners. Regardless, it’s a warning sign.  
• Talking to those within the BDSM community. The kinky community is tight-knit and tends to have a good knowledge of local fetishists, and they won’t tolerate fake Doms. If your partner doesn’t want you to get involved, they might be scared about what you will find out if you start asking questions about them. 
• Check out their social media. You can learn a lot about someone’s values by looking at the type of comments they make on social media. In particular, you should check if they have a FetLife account to see how they act in a kinky context. 
• Ask them technical questions. If your partner says they are interested in a kink, you can ask them some questions to try to gauge how much technical knowledge they have. For example, if they say they are interested in rope bondage, you can ask them what knots they know and what safety procedures they follow. 
• Talk about the training process. Most Doms will want to train their subs. How this process looks will depend on the type of dynamic you are trying to create. For example, they might want to teach you the proper techniques, so you can stay safe within the scene. Sometimes, they might want to tell you what roles they expect you to perform. A fake Dom, though, won’t have a clear training process. 

It should be noted that training can involve punishments. But a real Dom will seek to use these to re-enforce behavioral change consensually. A fake Dom will likely punish based on their whims, seeking to use pain to control you. This article goes into more depth about how healthy punishment works within BDSM. 

Picking the right Dom doesn’t happen overnight. Forming a strong connection that makes you feel comfortable enough to start playing together can take months. However, this gives you ample time to check them out and see if you can spot any warning signs.

Final Thoughts

Fake Doms are a scourge. They risk the submissive’s safety and bring the whole fetish community into disrepute. The good news is that you don’t need to fall victim to them. 

There are plenty of warning signs that you can look out for. The longer the relationship goes on, the more obvious their manipulations become. If you spot this, it’s time to run away, getting out before you get mentally or emotionally hurt.