Warning: Major Red Flags In A BDSM Relationship You Must Know


A healthy BDSM relationship is built on trust and mutual respect. Sadly, some people will use the kinky nature of BDSM relationships to ignore boundaries and do things that make their partner uncomfortable. But what red flags will signal a toxic BDSM relationship? 

Red flags in BDSM relationship
Red flags in BDSM relationship

Major red flags in a BDSM relationship include ignoring your safety concerns by refusing to get STD checks or failing to use safe words. Other red flags include using BDSM play as a cover for manipulation and abuse, lack of aftercare, being disliked by the kinky community, and not seeking your feedback after a scene. 

Due to the risks involved with kink play, you must ensure your partner has your back. If they start to show signs of abusive or dangerous behavior, it’s time to get out of there before you get injured. Keep reading to learn more about the most common red flags within BDSM relationships.

There are a few tenets of safe play. One of the biggest is using safe words, which will immediately end the scene. If you can’t speak, you can establish a hand signal. If your partner doesn’t want to use a safe word, there is a risk that you will be forced into a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable. This can lead to injury or cause mental trauma. 

Furthermore, it’s a huge red flag when your partner gets upset that you used the safe word. This shows that they don’t respect your boundaries and could be willing to ignore consent. 

  • Doesn’t Get To Know You Before A Scene

Even if you are looking for a quick hook-up, spending some time getting to know your partner is essential. Talk about what turns them on and what they want from the scene. It’s also vital to establish what their limits are within the scene. You can use this workbook to outline your hard and soft limits. 

If they don’t do this, it shows that they only care about their needs and aren’t going to work on pleasuring you. Plus, it shows they don’t care about your limits and will likely cross boundaries. 

Red flags in BDSM relationship
Red flags in BDSM relationship
  • Making You Refer To Them With Titles Immediately

There isn’t anything wrong with using titles like Master, slave, and slut, within a BDSM relationship. The issue arises when people immediately want you to refer to them that way. A good partner will discuss the title first, ensuring you are comfortable using it. 

  • Refusing To Get STD Checks

Before you start playing, you should ensure your partner is safe. This includes checking that they don’t have any STDs. This should be a standard part of the relationship. It doesn’t automatically mean they have an illness if they don’t want to get checked out. But it does show that your sexual health isn’t a priority. 



  • Lack Of Aftercare

A BDSM scene can be intense, raising a range of difficult emotions. Because of this, it’s common to include aftercare after a scene to help your partner recover. This is something that both Doms and subs will require. There are a range of forms aftercare can take, depending on your preferences; these include:

  • A relaxing activity. For example, a more out-of-the-box idea with a BDSM coloring book can help calm the mind after an intense scene. 
  • Talking about the scene to process what happened
  • Physical touch and words of affection

This article helps you delve more deeply into aftercare, discussing why it’s important and how you can do it. If your partner doesn’t want to engage in aftercare, it’s a sign that they don’t care about your mental health. 

Red flags in BDSM relationship
Lack of aftercare
  • They Aren’t Interested In Feedback

Feedback is an essential part of every relationship. This is primarily within the bounds of a BDSM relationship. It would help if you had a partner who would take your advice on board. Communicating your desires will allow you to create better scenes in the future. 

  • Dominant Is Expected To Take Full Control Of A Sub’s Life

Sometimes, a submissive might expect a dominant partner to take complete control over their life. For example, they might try to make them solely responsible for their mental or emotional health. This is a lot of pressure to place on someone and will inevitably lead to many conflicts. In a healthy D/s relationship, the responsibilities, boundaries, and limits are well discussed and agreed upon in detail. A good starting point to understand this topic is considering a BDSM contract.

  • Emotional Manipulation

Sadly, some people think that BDSM allows them to manipulate their partner and call it “kink play.” For example, they might try to stop you from seeing your friends or prevent you from communicating with people they disapprove of. Or they might try to manipulate you into breaking your limits and doing things you are uncomfortable with. 

This doesn’t seem right. Consent is at the heart of a strong BDSM relationship. This is why it’s essential to clearly communicate your boundaries and push back when your partner tries to cross these limits. 

  • Disliked By The Local BDSM Community

It’s a good idea to vet your partner before you start playing and ensure you are safe. One of the best options is to talk to those in your local BDSM community. If you find out that your possibly new play partner is banned from play parties and other events, it’s a huge red flag. It shows that they have a history of disrespecting their partners and ignoring the rules of safe play. 

  • Risky BDSM Practices

It would be best to be wary of a partner engaging in risky BDSM practices. For example, you don’t want someone who will leave you tied up for an extended period. While this might seem fun, you don’t want to be in a potentially dangerous situation. Also, check if your partner is prepared for the unforeseen. For example, it could be very handy to have a BDSM first-aid kit available; learn more about it in our article about essential items to include in a BDSM first-aid kit

  • Manipulative Use Of Punishments

Punishments can form an essential part of BDSM play, especially for those within a Master/slave dynamic. But they can be potentially abusive if used for the wrong reasons. For example, a jealous Dom might decide to whip a submissive because they looked at someone the wrong way. To avoid any issues, here are some guidelines to follow during punishment play: 

  • Lay out the rules. You shouldn’t be punished based on your partner’s moods and whims. The slave should be aware of the rules that are in place and when they will be punished. 
  • Talk about acceptable punishments. You should talk about punishment options and give your consent. During the punishment, you should be able to use a safe word to stop the scene.  
  • It would help if you gave punishment feedback. You can give your feedback about punishments. This can allow the Dom to tailor their approach to better discipline you. 

Learn more about efficient and safe punishment with our 6-Step-Guide-to-Efficient-BDSM-Punishment.

Red flags in BDSM relationship
The BDSM scene never ends

  • The BDSM Scene Never Ends

Even during a Master/slave relationship, there should be a clear delineation between BDSM play and everyday life. During a BDSM scene, you can explore your role as Dom and sub. But outside of that, you should both be equal within the relationship. This ensures that you can communicate effectively when discussing consent.  

  • Lack Of Respect

Finally, trust is the bedrock of a strong BDSM relationship. Without mutual respect, the relationship will be doomed to fail, and you risk experiencing manipulation and abuse. 

Final Thoughts

At its core, there are a few basic things that you should be looking for within a BDSM relationship. You deserve a partner who will treat you respectfully and make you feel good. Plus, you’ll be able to enjoy great sex. 

Sadly, BDSM relationships aren’t immune from toxicity. If your partner consistently breaks your boundaries, neglects your emotional needs, or tries to couch their destructive behavior in BDSM plays, it’s time to leave. 


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M M
M M
1 year ago

I found this very informative, thank you. It seems that this lifestyle has many dangers if one is not careful and as a beginner I find it important to do proper research into what’s acceptable behaviour and what is not. Thanks again!

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