Vetting Your BDSM Partner – Basics You Must Know

When you enter the dating world, you will meet many interesting people. But how can you tell which one is right for you? This is where the vetting process comes in. 

You must consider what you want from a relationship and how well your partner’s desires align with yours. This can be difficult enough in a vanilla relationship. But in a BDSM one, there is a whole new level of complexity, as you need to decide if you are kink-compatible. Keep reading to learn more about the process of vetting your BDSM partner to figure out if they are the one. 

Checking The Emotional Connection

BDSM might be an essential part of your life. But if you want to form a long-term connection, you must find someone you are emotionally compatible with. Here are some things you should be looking for during your BDSM vetting process:

• Easy to talk to. The conversation should flow freely, with nothing feeling forced. If you encounter problems, you should be able to discuss them and find a compromise that works for both of you. 
• Accepting you as you are. You shouldn’t feel you need to change to gain your partner’s love. Instead, you should feel more confident with them, knowing they will praise your imperfections. 
• You can trust them. Within the world of BDSM, it’s vital to find someone that you can trust. You need to know that they will be able to respect your boundaries within the bedroom and that they will always have your back.   
• Agreeing on core values. You don’t need to agree with your partner about everything, that would be boring. But you should agree on your core moral beliefs. 
• Physical attraction. Looks aren’t everything. But thinking about your partner should get you turned on. 
• Making time to be together. You should be finding time to be together outside the bedroom. 

Perhaps the most crucial element, though, is thinking about the way your partner makes you feel. Do you feel happy when you are around them? Do you look forward to spending time with them? Do they make you feel special? 

It might help to talk to a trusted friend about the relationship. They can help you discover how you feel and provide insights about whether you have found a good match. 

Checking That They Are A Safe Playmate

During the vetting process, and especially if you are at the beginning of the relationship, it’s best to ask about your partner’s BDSM past to ensure they are safe to play with. Here are some of the ways that you can do this: 

• Ask for references. If your partner has some BDSM experience, they will have previous playmates. You can contact some of these people and ask about the played scenes. 
• Discuss them at a BDSM munch. The BDSM community is tight-knit. They might be able to tell you more about your partner’s reputation. 
• Check out their history. If your partner has a profile on FetLife, you can look at some of the comments that they have made. Check that these align with the things they have said offline. 
• Get to know them first. You should try to avoid BDSM play on the first date. Take some time to get to know your partner’s character before deciding if you want to trust them in the bedroom. 

Of course, you should take safety precautions in the bedroom to let your partner know if any concerns arise. 

Making Sure That You Are Kink-Compatible

If you want to have a good time in the bedroom, you must choose a partner to embrace your fetishes. Here are some ways to check during vetting your partner if you and your partner are kink-compatible: 

• Talk about your fetishes. Both you and your partner should write down a list of the kinks that turn you on. Then, you can review the list and discuss each one and whether you would be willing to try it. 
• Discuss your limits. With each fetish, you might have different limits. These can be broken into hard and soft limits. You don’t want to experience a hard limit under any circumstances. A soft limit is something that you would be willing to try. Discuss whether your partner will be able to accommodate those boundaries. For example, if you long to be whipped, but your partner is only willing to deliver a light slap, you might not be sexually fulfilled. 
• Are you comfortable with ethical non-monogamy? Some couples will want to include a third person in the bedroom. This can help spice up the scene and allow you to explore a more comprehensive array of BDSM fantasies. But you must ensure that you and your partner agree about the type of person you are looking for and their role in your relationship. 
• Talk about your role in the relationship. Some people prefer to be Doms, controlling both the action in the bedroom and generally taking charge of the relationship. A submissive will receive the action in the bedroom and is often happy to let the Dom make important decisions outside the bedroom. You might also be a switch that changes from Dom to sub based on the circumstances. This article goes into more detail about what it means to be a switch. 
• Discuss your BDSM personality. You should also discuss your BDSM personality and how that can impact your partner. For example, a little want a Dominant to nurture them. However, suppose this Dominant is more of a sadistic personality who requires someone who enjoys the pain and humiliation they inflict. In that case, it will become tricky sooner or later, while these two personalities want different things from their partner. So, they are unlikely to work in a long-term relationship. 
• Do they want to use punishments? For some people, punishment can be a great way of ensuring that the sub follows the commands of their Dom. If you do like punishment play, you should talk about the types of things that are acceptable. Remember, not all punishment needs to be harsh. Here are some funny punishment ideas to explore. 
• How often do you want to have sex? Not all BDSM play involves sex. It’s a good idea to talk to your partner about sex and decide how many times a week you want it. 
• Discuss mindset during BDSM play. Sometimes, a partner might experience Domspace / subspace. This can be an almost trancelike state that occurs during a BDSM scene. Knowing if your partner experiences this and how you should act when it occurs is essential. So it’s good to talk through the experiences and the expectations. 
• Talk about aftercare. Does your partner experience Dom/sub drop after an intense scene? If so, what’s the best way to help them recover? For example, you might want to use some scented candles or play their favorite music to help them relax. 

Like all aspects of a relationship, this might take a little work. And maybe, sometimes, try out some of your partner’s kinks, which can be really fun. 

Furthermore, you must give feedback, particularly after your early play sessions. This is a way of figuring out what went well and what elements you must adjust moving forward. By doing this, you should be able to create scenes that will benefit both of you. 

Level Of Sexual Experience

While vetting your BDSM partner, it’s important to discuss how much experience your partner has with BDSM. This can impact the dynamics in the bedroom. For example, if you and your partner are both new to the world of BDSM, you can learn and grow together. However, if one person is experienced and the other is a newbie, this can cause some issues. 

It’s often expected that the more experienced person will teach the beginner. However, for some people, this won’t be an issue. And if you want to learn together, the platform beducated.com will give you a fantastic start. They also provide some fundamental insights into BDSM.

Deciding If You Are Sexually Compatible

Just because you are kink compatible doesn’t automatically mean you will have great sex. Here are some signs that you are sexually compatible with someone: 

• There is an initial spark. Sexual attraction can grow over time. But it helps if there is an initial spark to help you grow the chemistry. 
• You both have the same relationship with sex. There are plenty of ways someone can approach sex. Some people use it as a way to experiment and push their limits. Other people use it to work through past traumas. Or you might just be looking to have fun. It’s best to discuss with your partner what sex means to you. 
• Putting effort into a scene. Great BDSM sex doesn’t just happen. Both partners need to come together to plan the scene. It’s a red flag if you always need to do the work while your partner doesn’t do anything to help. 
• Communication styles match. For a BDSM relationship to work, you need to be able to talk about your sexual desires. If you can’t do this, you’ll end up being unfulfilled, or your partner might cross your boundaries. 
• You know what gets your partner in the mood. You should be able to read your partner’s moods, getting to know the signals that they are turned on. 

Type Of BDSM Relationship You Are Looking For

The next thing to discuss in vetting your partner is the type of BDSM relationship you seek. In this area, there are a few options that you can consider; these are: 

• Bedroom only. Sometimes, you will want to limit the BDSM to the bedroom, spending the rest of the time as a vanilla couple. 
• Part-time lifestyle. Often, this involves restricting when you can explore the BDSM dynamics. For example, you might only want to play on the weekends or in the evenings after work.  
• Full-time. If you want to take the most intensive option, you can start playing 24/7. This is best suited for Master/slave dynamics. However, this approach will require a strong relationship where you trust each other. It can also help to create a Master/slave contract so you are both clear about what the limits are. 

Your relationship might change over time. For example, you might want to start by playing part-time while you get used to each other. Then, you can transition into full-time play. But you should agree on the final form you want the relationship to take. 

Tips To Improve Your Sexual Compatibility

Finding a partner that you are perfectly compatible with is rare. Often, there will be some issues that you need to work through. Here are some tips you can use to make yourself more sexually compatible: 

• Build intimacy outside the bedroom. Physical touch doesn’t always have to be sexual. Actions like hand-holding can help you improve your intimacy. 
• Allow the tension to build. There are plenty of ways you can build sexual tension with your partner. For example, you might want to sext with them during the day. Or you can make them sexually frustrated, denying them orgasms and forcing them to come groveling to you, begging for a release. 
• Change it up in the bedroom. Playing the same scene can quickly become boring. So keep changing it up and experimenting to find new ways to turn your partner on. 
• Try self-pleasure. This is a chance to look within to find what turns you on. 

The good news is that sexual attraction and compatibility can grow over time as you and your partner explore each other’s desires in the bedroom.  

Final Thoughts

Picking a BDSM partner is a big deal; therefore, vetting your potential partner is essential. For the relationship to work, you must be emotionally and sexually compatible. Plus, you need to check that they will accept your kinks. 

Through the process of vetting your partner, the key is to communicate. First, be honest about what you like and what you are looking for. Then, you can check that they are on the same page. So, start having maybe even some difficult conversations to see if your partner is the right fit for you.