Top 5 Steps To Start BDSM Dating On A Vanilla App

Vanilla dating apps, like Tinder or FriendFinder.com, have a more extensive user base than more niche BDSM-specific apps (like Alt.com or Passion.com). As a result, you will have better luck finding matches. But there’s one substantial downside. Some users won’t be interested in trying the kink play you are interested in. 

Here are some tips for finding people who are open to BDSM on a vanilla app: 

• Be clear on what you are looking for and what kinks you have

• Add your kinks to your profile 

• Have set boundaries

• Be prepared to have an open-minded conversation

You’ll find that vanilla apps contain many people willing to embrace your fetishes and, many times, ready to experiment with their still-unknown kinks. You just need to put in a little more work to find them. So, keep reading to learn how to use a vanilla dating app for BDSM dating. 

Know What You Are Looking For

It’s best to think about what you want to achieve from the dating app. For example, some people just want to organize a quick hookup. Others will want to build a lasting relationship. This will help you decide what app to use. For example, something like Tinder or Only Fuck is better suited to quick sex. On the other hand, an app like e-Harmony is better for long-term relationships. 

It’s also a good idea to consider what kinks you are into. This doesn’t have to be an extensive list. Your kink list will often grow over time as you become more comfortable exploring your sexuality in the bedroom. Knowing what turns you on can help you start the conversation with matches and ensure you are both on the same page.  

Add Your Kinks to Your Profile

Creating a good profile is vital. It’s your way of signaling that you are kinky. You can do this in a few ways, depending on how comfortable you are talking about BDSM. Here are some options to explore: 

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  Use coded language. There are dozens of codes that members of the BDSM community can pick up on. For example, you might advertise yourself as “open-minded.”If you are dominant, you can say that you “like to lead” or want an “FLR” (Female Led Relationship) if you, as the woman, want to lead the relationship. Most people will be able to interpret the meaning behind these phrases. 

• Talk about your kinks openly. There are less subtle options to explore. For example, you can say you “love being kinky” or “enjoy BDSM.” If you want, you can even list the type of kinks you are into. 
• Add a sexy photo. Dating apps can be a very visual medium, with most people basing their decision on a quick scan of the profile and picture. Some people want to choose a provocative image that shows their kinks. For example, you might want to take a picture of yourself holding a whip. You don’t need to include your face so that you can stay anonymous. 

Set Your Boundaries

If you are new to the world of BDSM, it can be challenging to talk about your kinks. It might help to explore more on your own, like learning more about the basics of master-slave training. If you are unsure what turns you on, experiment with some BDSM solo plays; find more information in our article “BDSM Solo Play – How To Fully Satisfy Yourself.” This allows you to test BDSM positions at your own pace and discover what you are comfortable with. 

Further, it’s essential to communicate your BDSM limits to your future partner. These will fall into three categories: 

• No limits. These are the activities that you are comfortable performing with a partner. 
• Soft limit. You might be open to trying these things with a sexual partner in the right settings. 
• Hard limits. These activities are out of the question. 

There are a few other boundaries that you should consider putting in place when setting up a dating profile; these include: 

• Type of photos you post. You have no control over who sees your profile on a dating app. Because of this, some people prefer to post headless images to retain their anonymity. 
• What information do you provide. You might only want to provide your phone number or real name to people you feel you have a genuine connection to. 
• How do you discuss your kinks. You will need to be willing to talk about your kinks. But there might be some questions or requests that are off-limits. For example, you might not be comfortable sending a picture of yourself in fetish gear to somebody you not even meet personally.  

The good news is that most dating apps allow you to block people that violate your boundaries and make you feel unsafe. 

Have Open-Minded Conversations

If you are using a vanilla dating app, you must be prepared to have a conversation about your kinky desires. For some people, this can be a confronting experience. Here are some tips you can use to make this easier: 

• Bring it up casually. If you aren’t sure how your date will respond, you can try bringing it up casually in conversation and watching their reaction closely. Another option is to watch porn scenes together. This doesn’t need to be a full-on BDSM scene. Instead, you might opt for something that contains spanking and other kinkier elements to see how your partner handles it. (Related read: Spice Up Your Sex Life By Introducing BDSM.)
• Share some resources. It can help to share some examples of the type of scenes that you want to try. This lets your date know what is expected of them and better gauge whether they would be into it. 
• Take it slow. Some people won’t have any problems diving headfirst into kinky sex. But most of the people on a vanilla dating app will want to take it a little slower. They might have some questions to ask you. Take the time to answer and explain it so they understand your fantasies. Avoid pressuring them into doing something they aren’t comfortable with. 

If your date isn’t in your kink, you must consider how to respond. Sometimes, this can be a dealbreaker. At other times, you might want to discuss the matter further and see if you can reach a compromise. 

Trying BDSM for The First Time

If you are happy with the relationship’s progress, it’s time to take things to the next level. Here are some tips to help you do this:

• Try roleplay. At first, it can be daunting to try BDSM sex, mainly if your partner isn’t used to it. Roleplay can be an excellent way to overcome these nerves, as they can act as a character. 
• Set ground rules. Talk about the scenes and go over what you want to happen.
• Talk about it afterward. Go over what happened and how it made you feel. Make sure that you are both enjoying yourself. 

As you grow more comfortable with each other, you can experiment more and explore new kinks. This will help you grow closer as a couple. 

Sometimes, it can be a while before you can physically meet up. But that doesn’t mean you must miss out on the fun. There are plenty of ways to create a sexually fulling long-distance BDSM relationship. For example, a remote-control (smartphone) sex toy can put your partner in control over your orgasms, even if they are miles away. 

Final Thoughts

Just because you are on a vanilla dating app doesn’t mean you have to settle for vanilla sex. Many of the people on these apps are pretty open-minded, especially when it comes to the bedroom. As long as you are open and honest about what you want, you should be able to use a vanilla dating app to find someone who will bring your BDSM fetish fantasies to life.