You surely know that the “D” in BDSM stands for “Discipline.” From the outside, sometimes it occurs that in BDSM relationships, the words discipline and punishment are used interchangeably. However, this is a mistake because punishment and discipline are very different. Both punishment and discipline are commonly used in BDSM relationships for many purposes, but there are some critical differences between them.
Discipline is a structured and consistent method to teach people how to behave appropriately. Discipline is a set of agreed-upon rules and a way to promote good behavior without fearing consequences; it can also reward good behavior. Discipline is about developing trust, respect, and communication. Punishment is all about applying adverse effects and pain to enforce rules and to demote lousy behavior.
Discipline is not necessarily about punishment, but punishment generally involves a certain level of discipline. Discipline may also be practiced through D/s and M/s training. We will take a closer look at what exactly punishment and discipline are, what makes them different, and their pros and cons. Keep reading to figure out what exactly makes punishment and discipline differently.
Punishment vs. Discipline – What’s The Difference?
While discipline and punishment can be related in BDSM, there are differences between the two that you need to know about.
What is Discipline?
In simplest terms, in BDSM, discipline is focused mainly on teaching a submissive partner how to interact with the partner safely and adequately. Discipline is about establishing clear boundaries and rules and increasing communication between both parties. A particular aspect of discipline also teaches each other what is desired and what behavior is undesirable. It’s also about teaching your partner how far they can go without going too far.
One of the main goals is to help establish a trusting and respectful relationship between partners so that both parties may be healthy and safe within the BDSM relationship. Therefore, one aspect of discipline is positive reinforcement.
Positive reinforcement, such as rewards and kind words, reinforces the behavior. If you want to learn more about rewarding your sub, find our article. Yes, discipline may also involve forms of punishment to act in a disciplined manner. However, punishment is generally not the first or primary aspect of discipline.
Although physical pain and punishment may be used as a way to instill discipline, it is generally used as a last resort. The primary aspect of discipline is teaching and knowledge. It’s about knowing what is right and wrong, what is desired and undesirable, and what makes a fun, loving, and adventurous BDSM relationship.
What is Punishment?
Punishment in BDSM is generally related to a particular unwanted action or behavior of a submissive partner. Punishment is much more extreme than discipline. In discipline, physical punishment is usually used as a last resort, whereas punishment in BDSM is the be-all and end-all; not following instructions or anything else of the sort may warrant punishment.
Punishments can be verbal, psychological, or physical. They could involve verbal-, psychological penalizing, or physical discipline (read more about the most common punishment here). Punishment in BDSM could also include being denied access or privileges to certain activities or sex toys.
Punishment is all about negative reinforcement. In other words, when a submissive partner does something wrong, they are punished in various ways. Punishment is therefore designed to modify behavior by preventing the submissive partner from doing a particular action again.
What needs to be made clear here is that punishment is not designed to be enjoyable for either party involved. Punishment is not something that either the Dom or the sub really wants. It is a corrective action, not something necessarily designed for pleasure.
When punishment is designed more for pleasure rather than actual discipline for an unwanted action, it is referred to as funishment, or in other words, a fun punishment. Click here if you want to find out more about the differences between punishment and funishment.
The Purpose of Punishment in BDSM
The purpose of punishment in BDSM is quite simple, to discourage bad behavior through immediate consequences. In theory, when a partner, usually a submissive partner, does something wrong, they are punished through various means, preventing them from engaging in that behavior again.
The point of punishment is to discourage bad behavior while encouraging good behavior and preventing any future mistakes from occurring. The point here is not to exercise unwanted control over your partner or humiliate them but rather to teach the wanted behavior.
The key to remember here is that although punishment is a form of negative reinforcement for unwanted actions, the person receiving it, the submissive party, must understand why it is happening.
For a punishment to work, the submissive party needs to know what they did wrong and why they are being punished, and they also need to agree with the punishment in question. For a punishment to work as intended, both partners need to agree upon the punishments and what the result of said punishment should be.
The Purpose of Discipline in BDSM
The purpose of discipline in BDSM is a bit different than the role of punishment. Discipline teaches a submissive partner how to be respectful, follow the rules, and interact positively within a BDSM relationship.
It’s all about teaching a submissive partner what behavior is acceptable, with the primary goal of building a loving, respectful, and trusting relationship. This all comes down to simple psychology, as a person being rewarded for good behavior will automatically start behaving as desired. Positive verbal cues and sexual rewards are perfect for the purpose of teaching wanted behaviors.
Here, punishment, particularly physical punishment, takes a backseat to positive reinforcement. Yes, physical and verbal punishment may still be used in the area of discipline, although it is often much lighter and less intense than with punishment.
It would seem that punishment skips the initial steps that discipline goes through. Instead, discipline first teaches good behavior through positive reinforcement, with punishment or negative reinforcement being used when the positive reinforcement doesn’t work.
However, in punishment, there is no positive reinforcement, and people tend to go straight for the negative reinforcement, such as physical, verbal, or psychological consequences for unwanted actions.
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Examples of Discipline in BDSM
To give you a better idea of what discipline in BDSM look like, let’s quickly go over a few examples:
| Examples of Discipline | Explanation |
| Role-Playing | Acting out scenarios that reinforce desires or wanted behavior. |
| Communication | Communicating and talking with each other to set clear rules and boundaries. |
| Understanding | Having Empathy with what your partner’s needs and desires are. |
| Positive Reinforcement | Using verbal praise for wanted behavior. This may also involve using positive reinforcement such as sexual favors, access to sex toys, or any other such reward. Discipline is based primarily on a reward system. |
| Setting Boundaries | Setting rules and expectations for your partner. |
| Consequences | Establishing consequences for unwanted behavior. |
| Punishment | Discipline may also involve punishment, whether verbal or physical, as long as both partners have agreed upon it. |
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Examples of Punishment in BDSM
Let’s take a quick look at what Punishment in BDSM might look like:
| Examples of Punishment | Explanation |
| Verbal Cues | Using verbal cues to punish your partner through scolding and name-calling. An example of this would be verbal degradation based on physical appearance, such as calling the partner ugly or fat. |
| Withholding | Not giving the submissive partner what they want. Withholding privileges, such as access to sexual certain positions, sexual actions, or sex toys. |
| Isolating | Isolating the submissive partner from various associates or friends. |
| Physical Punishment | Physical punishment, such as spanking, flogging, whipping, wax play, or many other forms of physical punishment. |
| Psychological Punishment | Humiliation and psychological punishment are often used in BDSM punishment, such as forcing your submissive partner to walk on a leash like a dog. |
| Fear | In some cases, fear may also be used as a method of manipulation. An example of this could be fear of physical punishment or verbal reprimands. |
Pros and Cons of Punishment and Discipline
Using discipline in a BDSM relationship is a good thing because it helps to foster a loving, trusting, and open relationship with excellent communication. It also allows partners better understand each other, so they know what the other wants, likes, and needs.
However, the drawback of discipline is that it sometimes might not be enough to discourage unwanted behavior. This is because discipline is sometimes focused mainly on positive reinforcement for wanted behavior; there sometimes might not be any consequences for an unwanted behavior, which is where punishment comes into play.
Punishment is a great way to discourage unwanted behavior, allowing couples to experience pleasure and catharsis. If done correctly, punishment can still build a loving, trusting, and open relationship. However, if punishment is not done correctly and people overstep their boundaries, the submissive party can feel resentful, abused, or powerless.
There is a fine line between punishment and abuse, which some people in BDSM relationships don’t quite understand yet. Punishment, especially physical and psychological pain, and humiliation should only be used as a last resort, whereas discipline makes for a good starting point.
There is also a stark difference between a Dom punishing a Sub and funishing a sub. Punishments can include any of the above examples. Still, the main point is that the Sub will find these to be distasteful or unenjoyable, hence why it is a punishment that will correct bad behavior.
Funishment, on the other hand, while it is technically a form of punishment, are actions that the Sub actually finds enjoyable, hence the inclusion of the word “fun.” Yes, this does, in part, have to do with what the Sub finds distasteful and what they find enjoyable. For example, if the Sub finds spanking enjoyable, it makes for a good form of funishment, but not actual punishment. Therefore, Doms need to know what their partners will view as enjoyable and what will actually work as a punishment. More on the difference between BDSM Punishment and Funishment, you will find in our detailed article here.
Main Differences Between Punishment and Discipline
Now that we’ve covered all the main aspects let’s summarize the most significant differences between punishment and discipline. First and foremost, discipline is about teaching each other about the rules and boundaries the relationship needs.
Discipline uses positive rewards and positive reinforcement to encourage good and wanted behavior. Yes, discipline made to a certain degree also involves punishment, which could be physical, verbal, or psychological. However, this is generally used as a last resort. Discipline is more about encouraging good behavior than it is about punishing unwanted behavior.
This, therefore, appears to be the exact opposite of punishment, which is all about negative reinforcement, about punishing unwanted behavior, as opposed to reinforcing good behavior. But, yes, in a certain way, they are related. In punishment, negative reinforcement of bad behavior should automatically lead to reinforcement of good behavior.
So, while the two are technically very different things, they can, in some ways, have the same result. It all comes down to teaching your partner what you like in a BDSM relationship and what needs to be avoided. Due to the nature of the discipline, it is often very beneficial for BDSM relationships because it helps to establish boundaries, rules, and desires.
Punishment can also help establish desires, rules, and boundaries. However, due to its punishing nature, which can be physical, verbal, or psychological, there is also a chance that punishment may cause distrust and resentment.
Punishment should never be used as a form of control or dominance. It should also not be used as a way to belittle your partner. When punishment is involved, both partners need to have an extremely clear understanding of why the punishment happens and how to behave differently to avoid it happening again.
Frequently Asked Questions:
What are some common forms of punishment and discipline in BDSM?
Both punishment and discipline may involve orgasm denial, spanking, forced silence, walking your partner like a dog, being chained or tied up, making them eat on the floor, being used as human furniture, being whipped or flogged, playing with wax, and much more.
Is discipline or punishment better in BDSM?
Whether discipline or punishment is better in BDSM is quite subjective. If you want to build a healthy and trusting relationship and just want to reinforce some good behavior, starting with discipline is best. However, if much bad behavior needs correction and simple discipline doesn’t work, then turning to punishment is your next best option. Click here for more details on alternatives to punishments.
Does punishment change behavior in a relationship?
If done correctly, within a respectful and healthy relationship, punishment in BDSM can indeed be an effective behavior modification tool, while, as mentioned above, not the best one.
Final Thoughts
As you can see, both punishment and discipline have their places within BDSM relationships. First, however, it is vital to understand the difference between the two. Discipline is more about the positive reinforcement of desired behavior, whereas punishment is more about the negative reinforcement of unwanted behavior.