Punishment and Behavior Change – Does It Work?

In BDSM, verbal and physical punishment is regarded as a valuable tool to change or modify behaviors seen as unwanted or undesirable. Participants in BDSM may use various forms of punishment to alter behavior in the long and short run. As a result, consensual physical punishments allow partners to explore submission and dominance within power-dynamic relationships. The question, of course, is, does punishment really work to change behavior?

Punishment in BDSM can be an effective tool for encouraging behavior change if it is consensual, negotiated, and respects the boundaries of all parties involved. Punishment is typically used to reinforce power dynamics and keep structure in a mutually beneficial power exchange relationship. Therefore, it works because when a person in a BDSM relationship is punished for a behavior, they may develop a deep respect and love for their partner while being motivated to avoid said behavior.    

However, this begs the question, does punishment in a relationship work to change unwanted behaviors? How is a punishment used to change behavior? Does it really work? These questions, and more, will all be answered today. We will also explore some of the most significant benefits and drawbacks of using punishment to change behavior. 

How is Punishment Used to Change Behavior?

Understanding how punishment is used to change behavior and what kinds of punishment will help you better understand whether or not punishment can be an effective tool to help modify behavior. There are two primary forms of punishment for achieving behavior change.

How is Punishment Supposed to Change Behavior?

Punishment can be used as an immediate consequence to change unwanted behavior. For example, when your partner does something that you disagree with, you might flog them with a horse crop.

It is not different from disciplining a child for doing something terrible. In theory, providing an immediate consequence to an unwanted behavior should change the behavior. So it’s all about delivering an immediate consequence for undesirable behavior.

This acts as a method of negative reinforcement, or in other words, when you do something wrong, bad things happen to you. The theory here is that most people would rather avoid suffering painful and humiliating punishments and should therefore avoid the actions that lead to those punishments in the first place.

Simply put, if a partner in a BDSM relationship knows that a particular behavior will elicit a painful punishment, it should deter that behavior. The immediate consequence of pain and punishment should be sufficient to alter behavior.

Punishment and Behavior Change – Is it Effective?

Now that we’ve covered the theory behind using punishments in BDSM for behavior change let’s talk about whether or not it works. 

Unfortunately, there is no 100% solid answer here either way. Whether the punishment is effective depends on the specific people in the relationship, the kinds of punishments, and how those punishments are used.

It Depends on the Specific Punishments 

Punishments are an effective tool to stimulate behavior change when the person receiving the punishments respects those punishments or is legitimately fearful of them. For example, suppose your partner knows that a specific behavior will result in an intense whipping session, and they fear the pain of being whipped. In that case, this punishment is likely to elicit a behavior change.

Therefore, it may depend on the punishment in question. Some punishments are undoubtedly worse than others, and some are preferred. If you expect punishment to be an effective method for changing behavior, you must employ the right kind of punishment, which is also highly dependent on your submissive.

There are two sides to this because there may be some punishments that a person may enjoy—”funishment.” “Funishment” differs from punishment in BDSM because the receiver enjoys punishment and may even get sexually aroused. 

For instance, if you secretly enjoy a punishment, instead of shying away from the behavior that caused the punishment, you’re more likely to keep engaging in that behavior so that you can be punished. 

Meanwhile, here is a link to our detailed article about BDSM punishment vs. funishment for you to learn more. 

Also, if you love being flogged with a horse crop and know that a specific action will result in your partner flogging you, you will likely engage in that behavior.

So, what it comes down to is that if you respect, fear, or dislike the punishment, you’re likely to stop engaging in the behavior that leads to it. However, if you do not fear or respect the punishment or even enjoy it, you are likely to continue with said behavior or increase it to be punished more.

It Depends on the Patterns Involved – Is There Mutual Respect and Love? 

Whether or not punishment can change behavior depends on whether the punishment itself is respected or feared, but also if the person doing the punishment is respected and loved. For example, if you have no respect or love for the partner punishing and dominating you, you’re not likely to respect their punishments or desires. On that note, how the punishment is performed matters if done respectfully.

For punishment to work as a behavior modification tool, both partners must deeply understand each other’s needs, boundaries, fears, and wishes. However, if you are receiving a punishment that you find unjust, or if your partner is not respecting your needs or boundaries, instead of changing your behavior, you may begin to resent your partner for the act of punishing you.

For instance, if the partner doing the punishing pushes too hard consistently and knowingly oversteps or ignores the boundaries of the partner being punished, instead of instilling a sense of respect for that punishment and respect for the person dishing out the punishments, it may do the opposite.

You may dislike your partner for punishing you in a way that you find disrespectful or genuinely unenjoyable. However, the bottom line is that punishment can be an excellent way to modify behavior when considering the abovementioned factors. 

However, both partners need to communicate to respect each other’s needs, boundaries, desires, and emotions openly. Even though the essence of punishment in BDSM is to achieve behavior change, it must always be consensual. To be sure that you and your partner are always on the same page, especially when it comes to punishment, we strongly recommend discussing a written BDSM contract. Here is our article about BDSM master/slave contracts to guide you in creating one. 

The Benefits of Punishment for Behavior Modification

As with everything, punishment has pros and cons as a behavior modification tool in BDSM relationships. Let’s take a look at some of them.

• Punishment can promote a positive change in behavior by changing how a person associates a particular action with a consequence. In other words, If A leads to B, and I don’t like B, then I shouldn’t do A. Likewise, if you don’t like the punishment, you’ll likely avoid the behavior that leads to it.
• Punishments can also be a great way to create and enforce rules and boundaries. By using and beforehand discussion rules and punishments, partners can communicate to each other what behaviors they wish their partners to engage in and which ones to avoid. This allows for a much better-structured relationship.
• Punishments can also be very healing and cathartic. Both the person being punished and the person doing the punishing may feel emotional release from the incident instead of dealing with many lingering emotions.

Punishing or being punished may help you and your partner overcome specific emotional barriers you may otherwise not get past with just words alone. The idea is to get over the incident that warranted the punishment quickly. So instead of being mad for longer because the sub didn’t follow an agreed rule. The sub receives the punishment, and the situation is solved (forever).

The Drawbacks of Punishment for Behavior Modification

Now that we know the potential benefits let’s look at the potential drawbacks of using punishment to provoke behavioral changes.

• When both partners don’t communicate and are not on the same page, using punishments may lead to feelings of resentment or powerlessness. If the person being punished dislikes the punishment or feels that they should not be punished at all, it may lead to hard feelings.
• On the other hand, some people may actually enjoy the punishments being dished out to them. So, you need to know your submissive well; if a sub enjoys the punishment (then we talk more about funishment (BDSM Punishment vs. Funishment), instead of staying away from the behavior that led it, that person is more likely to continue engaging in said behavior or even to do it more, which would be a considerable drawback having behavior change in mind.
• Although punishment may build trust, it may also break it down. If the person acting as the punisher oversteps their boundaries, does not respect the partner’s needs on the receiving end or is far too harsh with the punishments, it may foster fear and distrust. If you don’t know whether or not your partner will respect your boundaries, you can’t possibly trust them.
• Being submissive in a sexual relationship can be a good thing. Still, a potential drawback is that the punished person may feel powerless. People may begin to feel as though they must be submissive in all aspects of the relationship, not just in the bedroom, which can cause problems.

Frequently Asked Questions:

Is it okay to use punishment in a BDSM relationship?

If both partners agree that punishment is acceptable, it is okay to use. As long as you know what the potential drawbacks and benefits of using punishment in BDSM are, you can make an informed choice for yourself.

How do I decide which punishments are appropriate for my partner?

Communicating with your partner is the only way to decide what is OK and what is not. Before any punishment dynamic is started in a BDSM relationship, both partners need to clarify their needs, rules, boundaries, and expectations. Establishing balance and good communication should end in a written contract. Here are more details on written agreements in our article about BDSM master/slave contracts. 

How can I ensure that the punishment is effective?

There are many things that you need to consider here. First, you must ensure that the person receiving the punishment respects it. You also need to make sure that the person receiving the punishment knows why they are being punished. On the other end of the spectrum, using positive reinforcement or rewards for good behavior can help to promote good behavior while preventing bad behavior. Our article on the dark side of punishment tells you more about better ways to change behavior in BDSM.

What should I do if the punishment doesn’t work?

If the punishment does not work, try changing the punishment. However, if no punishments work, you need to communicate with your partner and ask them why this is the case. Maybe your partner thinks that they don’t deserve to be punished at all. This all comes down to maintaining open lines of communication.

Final Thoughts

Punishment is an effective way to change behavior. However, remember that the punishment must fit the crime to elicit a positive behavior change. Partners need to agree on which punishments to use before starting this journey. Through physical, verbal, and psychological punishment, you can change your partner’s behavior.