All types of dating carry some form of risk. But BDSM aspects can amplify the risks. If you’re not careful, you can become so intoxicated with your partner that you overlook boundaries and do things you aren’t comfortable with. Plus, you need to be cautious of scammers who will try to steal your personal information.
But there is no need to worry; if you take a few basic precautions, you shouldn’t experience any issues. So keep reading to learn how to stay safe while exploring the world of kinky dating.
What Makes BDSM Dating Different From Vanilla Dating?
It’s true that vanilla dating also carries a degree of risk. Especially if you are online dating, it can be hard to verify the identity of the person you are talking to. But there are a few risks that are unique to BDSM dating. These include:
- Dominant/submissive dynamics. This can be difficult to navigate when you are dating. It’s common for a submissive to want to engage in domination play while needing to be viewed as an equal within the relationship. Furthermore, it can make subs vulnerable to being emotionally manipulated. For example, fake Doms might say you aren’t a true submissive until you give in to their demands.
- Matching your kinks. In vanilla dating, you just need to find a partner who suits your personality. However, in BDSM dating, you must find someone who will embrace your kinks. This will require you to be open about your turn-ons.
- Kink shaming. Sadly, some aspects of BDSM aren’t widely accepted by the broader community. As a result, you might need to take extra precautions to conceal your identity on a dating app.
- BDSM play has risks. Some forms of kinky play can be risky, so finding a partner that respects your boundaries is essential. We’ll discuss how to play safely a little later.
While it’s true that BDSM dating presents some unique risks, that doesn’t mean it’s inherently dangerous. Instead, you just need to be aware of some dangers and take steps to protect yourself.
General Tips For Safe Online BDSM Dating
These days, most BDSM dating occurs online. The ability to search for people who share your kinks makes finding a suitable match more accessible than ever. If you want to get started with online dating, this article talks you through the nine best BDSM websites that will make it easy to find someone who shares your interests.
While these sites can be helpful tools, they can also be home to some nefarious people who might seek to manipulate you. Here are some tips you can use to avoid this fate:
- Stick to reputable sites. Read some reviews to make sure that you are using sites that have forged a strong reputation. Pay particular attention to what features, if any, are used to verify users. You should also look for sites that allow you to report abusive users.
- Decide what information you want to share. There are some pieces of information that you might want to keep private. For example, you might not want to share your real name, address, and occupation. You can also crop your pictures to remove your face. Generally, you should safeguard any information that can help scammers identify you in real life.
- Be careful about the pictures you post. Even though you might not show your face, a photo can still give away your identity. If you have used the same image on your social media accounts, a reverse image search can help people pinpoint who you are. In addition, some dating sites allow you to create private pictures only available to your matches.
- Take it slow. It can be easy to get swept up in the excitement of a new BDSM relationship. But it’s best to take it a little slower, focusing on getting to know your partner’s personality. Pay attention to any red flags that pop up.
- Keep your dating and social media accounts separate. If you link your dating app to your social media, you will give scammers access to a wealth of information.
- Be prepared to block users. Sadly, there will always be jerks on dating apps. If you get an inappropriate message, don’t respond. Just report and block the user.
Avoiding Scammers
Sadly, BDSM dating apps and websites aren’t immune from scammers. First, these parasites set up fake profiles. Then, they try to catfish you into handing over your private information. They might even try to get you to buy them items, claiming they have financial troubles. More sophisticated scammers will employ bots, which can sound like genuine matches.
Here are some tips to help you identify a scammer:
- Asking for money. This is the most obvious sign. They often pretend to face a catastrophe requiring urgent funds, like a loved one getting sick or an unprecedented medical emergency. Then, they will request that you send the money through an untraceable method, like a wire transfer.
- Wanting to move the conversation to another app. Some scammers will convince you to take your conversation onto another app. This can be a way of getting you to click on a dangerous link. Or it can allow them to get away from the safety rules that the dating app has put in place.
- Asking for a lot of personal information. When dating, it’s normal to ask your match many personal questions. But you should pay attention to the types of questions being asked. For example, a scammer will try to get you to reveal your bank account information or social security number. Armed with this knowledge, they can steal your identity.
- Unable to video chat or meet up in real life. Scammers tend to have a vague profession, like being a remote worker, which might prevent them from video chatting. If you encounter someone like this, ask probing questions to verify their identity.
- The relationship is moving too fast. This one can be a little more subjective. Scammers want to try and build a strong rapport quickly. This ensures that you will trust them and comply with their requests.
It’s also recommended that you take some steps to verify that you are talking to a real person. Early into the relationship, you should ask to talk to them. This can be through a phone call. But the best option is to chat over a webcam.
You can also do a reverse image search. This will let you see if the same profile photo is used across multiple platforms under several names. If it is, you’re likely talking to a catfish. If you come across a scammer or a fake profile, you should flag it. Most dating sites have a moderation team who can help remove these people before they can take advantage of other people.
Vetting Matches Within The BDSM Community
Once you have found a match, you should do a little digging on them to make sure that it’s safe to take the next step. Here are some of the things that you should be looking for:
- Ask for former play partners. You can ask if your match has any previous play partners you can talk to. Talking to these people will allow you to verify that they will respect your boundaries in the bedroom.
- Ask people in your local BDSM community. The kinky community tends to be pretty tight-knit. You can ask about the person you are dating and see if you can get some insights into what they are like in the bedroom.
- Check their social media accounts. Read through some of the comments they make on social media. Do they treat people with respect? You should also check their FetLife account. This can provide an extensive history, giving you an idea of how they act online.
If they are new to the BDSM scene, it can be harder to vet them. It’s possible that they might not have any previous partners. In this case, you must be prepared to take the lead during your first few scenes.
It can also pay to listen to your intuition. If something doesn’t feel right, you should be wary. For example, you might want to dig deeper into a suspicious partner to ensure they are whom they claim to be.
Meeting In A Public Place
When you meet for the first time, choosing a public location is best. Some popular suggestions include restaurants, cafes, parks, shopping centers, and movie theatres. The presence of other people will ensure that you can’t be coerced into doing something you aren’t comfortable with. If you aren’t feeling the vibe, don’t be afraid to end the date early.
Make sure to tell someone where you are going and who you will be meeting with. Then, at the end of the date, text them to let them know you are safe. Many apps allow you to quickly and discreetly share your location if you get into trouble. Or you might want to slip a tracking tag or Apple AirTag into your bag, transmitting your location to the mobile phone of a person you trust.
It’s best to avoid BDSM play on the first date. Instead, take a while to get to know your match and build a rapport. This ensures that they will respect your limits in the bedroom.
Planning A Safe Play Session
Often, the first stages of the kinky dating process will be similar to vanilla dating. You’ll meet someone you like and work to get to know them better. But over time, you will want to add the fetish elements that make BDSM dating so exciting. Before you do this, you should talk about what you like and your soft- and hard limits.
Over time, you can move on to a play session, exploring your kinkier side with your new partner. Here are some tips to make sure that your first play session goes smoothly:
- Establish clear boundaries beforehand. The first play session with a new person is very exciting. So, it can be easy to get carried away and step outside your comfort zone. Because of this, you should think about your boundaries before play begins.
- Have a safe word. This is vital. If you start to get too uncomfortable, the safe word should end the scene immediately. If you are gagged, you should establish a safe signal. If you prefer, you can also have a word that you can use to slow down the play, helping ease you into new fetishes.
- Discuss how much experience they have. It’s essential to ensure your partner has the technical skills needed to bring that fantasy to life. If they are new, you might need some training before taking on the scene. This Master/slave basic training guide is an excellent place to start.
- Take safety precautions. Ensure you always have a quick way to get out of a scene. For example, if you are exploring rope bondage, you should have some scissors nearby to cut through the rope and free yourself. You can also stock a first-aid kit, just in case. This article talks you through some.
- Debrief. At the end of the session, you should have a chat about the scene and air any concerns.
Final Thoughts
The world of BDSM dating can allow you to experience plenty of unique pleasures. Of course, at the end of a good date, you might end up tied to the bed screaming pleasurably in pain.
But you must be careful, choosing a partner with your best interests at heart. Hopefully, these tips will help you stay safe while you are trying kinky dating.