Though there are many types of BDSM activities, one of the most common is Dominant/submissive play. There are dozens of ways this can manifest. For example, you might want a Dom to tie you up and use you for their pleasure. Or you can take things one step further, with a Master/slave dynamic, servicing your Doms every need.
The problem, though, is that finding your perfect Dom can be very difficult. You will need to find a playmate who can match your personality and is willing to embrace your fetishes. Keep reading to find some helpful tips to find your ideal Dom.
Consider What Type Of Dominant You Are Looking For
The best place to start is by considering the type of domination you want to experience. There are a few options that you might encounter; these include:
- Daddy. These Doms are often more nurturing, helping to care for their submissive. Often, the dynamic isn’t very controlling, though they might try to correct some behaviors.
- Master. These Doms create a dynamic that allows them to control their submissive, whom they view as their property. They expect the slave to do their bidding and might impose harsh punishments if their demands aren’t met.
- FinDom. In this case, the Dom will control the finances of their subs. For example, they might give their slave an allowance. This works best for a long-term relationship.
- Primal Dom. This type of person will prefer more animalistic sex. For example, they will choose to use physical strength, rather than handcuffs, to restrain their partners.
- Sadist. This type of person enjoys inflicting pain on their submissive.
As you can see, you can choose from many types of Doms. For further reads, this article will go deeper into the differences between Masters, Sirs, Doms, and Daddy’s.
Also, it’s a good idea to think about the type of BDSM play you prefer. For example, how rough do you want the sex to be? Do you want a partner who will whip and restrain you? Or would you prefer softer types of play? It might be a good idea to create a sex menu. This will give your partner some idea of what you are looking for in the bedroom.
The next thing to consider is how much of a role BDSM should play in your life. Some types of Doms will require a lifestyle change. For example, Masters and FinDoms might need 24/7 control over the life of their submissives. This can be too much for some people.
Start Looking For A Dominant
Once you have an idea of what you are looking for, it’s time to start your search for a dominant. There are a few methods you can try; these include:
- BDSM dating apps. One of the best options you can explore is a BDSM dating app (e.g., Alt.com, Passion.com, or AdultFriendfinder.com.) These help you find other kinky people in your local area. This article discusses the top 7 BDSM dating apps that will help you find relevant matches.
- FetLife. One of the most famous BDSM sites is FetLife. It’s akin to social media for kinky people, with plenty of forums, so you can find people who share your interests. Plus, you’ll be able to find information on events that are occurring in your local area.
- Reddit/Facebook. You can also use vanilla social media apps to connect with kinky people. Reddit has plenty of forums directed at fetish lovers. Alternatively, you can find Facebook groups to help you connect with people who share your interests.
- Munches. These are among the best ways to meet with local kink lovers in real life. These are held in vanilla settings, so you can feel comfortable opening up about your fantasies. They can be a great way of meeting other members of the community. Often, they can help you find someone who can provide what you are looking for. A good relationship with the local BDSM community can lead to a range of opportunities, like the ability to attend play parties.
- BDSM events. There might be some educational BDSM courses or sex conventions coming to your local area. These are great places to meet open-minded people.
If you prefer, you can also use vanilla dating apps like Tinder or FriendFinder.com. They do have a community of people who are open-minded and willing to try kinky play. But you will need to be prepared to do more work. You must vet potential partners closely to ensure they are eager to embrace fetish play. If you want to use a vanilla app for dating and finding your right Dom, read our article Top 5 Steps To Start BDSM Dating On A Vanilla App for your next steps.
Sometimes, you might want to find an open-minded person with a dominant personality who is looking for a more vanilla relationship. Then, after you have spent some time getting to know each other, you can convert them into the world of BDSM role play. If they are new, you will need to start slowly. But with a little effort, they can turn into an effective Dom. Our article, Your Complete Guide To Dom Training, will help them hone their Dom skills.
Spotting A Fake Dom Online
If you are online dating, it’s essential to remain vigilant. Sadly, you will come across people who are posing as a Dom. These people have the potential to be quite dangerous, forcing you into risky situations. Here are some warning signs that you should look out for:
- Not taking the time to get to know you. A real Dom should be willing to spend time getting to learn what you like and where your limits are. If they don’t do this, there is a real risk that they will cross a line and force you to do things you aren’t comfortable with.
- Don’t take being a Dom seriously. Some people look at movies like 50 Shades of Grey (see our critics) and get the wrong idea. They think that being a Dom entitles them to do whatever they want, ignoring their sub’s needs.
- Doesn’t know the basics of BDSM. It’s okay to be with a new Dom. But they must be willing to learn the correct techniques. And they should respect essential elements of BDSM play, like safe words, boundary setting, and aftercare.
Generally, you should look for a Dom that respects you. If someone constantly pushes you out of your comfort zone or willfully ignores your limits, they aren’t a safe play partner.
It’s always important to focus on acting safely. You shouldn’t give them any personal information until you are sure that a Dom is safe to play with.
Make Sure That You Are Compatible
Once you’ve found a potential Dom, it’s important to ensure you will be the right fit for each other. So let’s look at some things to consider before making this decision.
Discuss Your Submissive Style
There are plenty of submission styles available. Here are some examples:
- Brat. These submissives require their master to “break them” before they act obediently.
- Littles. These people will rely on their Daddies to look out for their interests. For example, they need their Daddy to tell them when it’s time to go to bed.
- Slave. These people exist only to serve their Master’s interests, obediently doing whatever is asked of them.
It’s a good idea to talk to your Dom about the types of things that you are interested in. You need to make sure that your interests align. For example, pairing a domineering sadistic Master with a Little will leave both partners unsatisfied.
Are You Physically Attracted To Each Other
It’s important to choose a Dom that you are physically attracted to. Not only can it help create a strong spark between both partners, but it can also aid in the trust-building process and help bring out the best in each other. With physical attraction as the basis of a relationship, couples have more significant potential to strengthen their bond and build something that lasts.
Do You Meet Each Other’s Emotional Needs?
It’s essential to ensure that you are getting your emotional needs satisfied by the Dom, especially if you want to forge a long-term relationship. There are a few things that you will need to look for. Most importantly, you will have to make sure that you can trust your partner to respect your limits in the bedroom. This will ensure that everything is done safely and consensually.
It could help to ask yourself whether you would still be with your partner if this was a vanilla relationship. If the answer is no, it can hint at more profound issues. Remember, even in a Master/slave relationship, your Master should still have your best interests at heart.
Discuss Your Limits
Before any type of BDSM play occurs, you will need to have a discussion where you clearly lay out your limits. This is vital to ensure a consensual scene. Make sure to have a safe word, which will immediately stop the play if things start to get too intense.
If you are new to the Dom, you might want to start by setting more restrictive limits. This allows you to get used to their play style. Then, after a few sessions, when your Dom has earned your trust, you can loosen your limits. A good Dom should be willing to work within your limits rather than push you to do things you feel uncomfortable with.
If you want to take things to the next level and start a Master/slave dynamic, you might want to consider creating a formalized contract. This clearly sets your limits in the bedroom and what types of things your Master can control. This guide will help you negotiate a Master/slave contract that works for both of you.
Discuss How Often You Want To Play
Assuming that your Dom has passed this vetting process, it’s time to discuss how often you want to play. There are a few options that you might want to explore; these include:
- Bedroom only. You might want to reserve the kinkiest aspects for the bedroom, living in a relatively vanilla relationship the rest of the time.
- Part-time relationship. You might only want to play on the weekends or at certain times during the week.
- Distance relationships. If you meet a Dom online, you might not be able to meet up physically. But you can still maintain a strong connection through texts and video calls. How to make this happen? Find more information on How To Have A Great BDSM Long Distance Relationship.
There is another option. You might want to live in a 24/7 BDSM dynamic. This is common in Master/slave relationships. It can be gratifying, creating an immersive experience. But it will also be an intense relationship, requiring you to place a lot of trust in your partner.
Because of this, it’s often best to start by building up a 24/7 relationship. So, it’s often great to start with a part-time relationship. Then, as you grow more comfortable with each other, you can increase the amount of time you spend engaging in BDSM play. This ensures that you don’t become overwhelmed.
Be Patient
One of the most essential pieces of advice, though, is to be patient. It can take a while for a strong BDSM relationship to develop. Sometimes, you might want to start in a relatively vanilla way. This allows you to explore whether your partner can meet your emotional needs. As you grow more comfortable, you can begin to introduce BDSM elements.
Furthermore, it can often take a while to create a sexual dynamic that pleases both of you. Finding what turns someone on in the bedroom can take a bit.
Final Thoughts
If you are a submissive, you must find a good Dom to bring out your best in the bedroom. They will learn what you enjoy to create an intoxicating mix of pleasure and pain.
The good news is that thanks to the rise of BDSM dating apps, finding a potential Dom is easier than ever. But you still need to do your homework and ensure they will be compatible with your play style and have your best interests at heart.
