How To Find The Best Submissive Or Slave?

If you are a Dom, you want to find a sub willing to allow you to take control in the bedroom. But finding the right sub can prove to be a substantial challenge.

There are several things that you will need to take into account. For example, you must find someone who can embrace your dominant style. Plus, you’ll need to find someone who can fit into your preferred BDSM lifestyle. Keep reading to learn how to navigate these challenges and find a great sub.

Table of Contents

Be Clear On What You Are Looking For

First, it’s vital to ensure you are clear about what you are looking for. Here are some of the things that you should consider:

What Is Your Dom Personality?

The first thing to understand is the type of Dom play you like to engage in. There are dozens of options that you can explore; these include:

Daddy. These people are known for their gentle domination style. However, they often put strict rules in place to benefit their submissive. For example, they might set a bedtime or make sure that their sub drinks plenty of water.
Sadist. This type of Dominant enjoys the sensation of imposing pain on their submissive, mainly masochists.
Brat Tamer. In this case, you will be paired with a bratty submissive. You must then break their will until they do what you want.
Master. The Master will need a slave willing to serve their every need.

Of course, this is just scratching the surface. There are dozens of other dominant personalities that you can explore, depending on how much control you want in the bedroom. It’s also worth considering what type of fetishes you are interested in. If you want to dive deeper into the different types of dominance, find out more here: Dom, Daddy, Sir, or Master – Different Or All The Same?

These aspects should be clearly expressed to a potential sub, so they can decide if you are a good fit for them. You don’t need to list every single type of kink play you are interested in. But you should include enough to give them a fair idea of what you like in the bedroom.

What Qualities Should A Good Submissive Possess?

You should also think about what your ideal submissive partner looks like. Here are some of the things to consider:

Type of submissive personality. There are dozens of types of subs for you to explore. Do you prefer a Brat, slave, or a little? This guide goes into more nuisance about the terms sub, slave, and bottom and their differences.
Emotional connection. A long-term BDSM relationship will require building a strong emotional connection with a prospective sub. Because of this, it’s essential to consider what personality aspects are most important to you.
Physical attraction. Both you and your partner should be physically attracted to each other. This will create a vital spark within the bedroom.
Level of experience. Do you want a more experienced sub that already knows the basics of BDSM? Or are you willing to train a new person, showing them how to perform scenes safely? If you are new to the world of BDSM, this article will get you started with training your submissive.

What Type Of BDSM Lifestyle Are You Looking For?

The next thing to consider is the type of BDSM lifestyle you want to create. There is a range of options that you might want to consider. These include:

Part-Time. You might want to limit the times that you are playing. For example, you might only want to play after work or on the weekends. At other times, there will be limits on where the play can occur. For example, they might be okay with BDSM playing at home. But they might become uncomfortable with play happening in public.
Bedroom only. Another popular option is to limit your play to the bedroom. The rest of the time, you can have a relatively vanilla relationship.
24/7. This is one of the most intense types of play. Often, this is suitable for a Master/slave dynamic. It’s best only to create this type of relationship once you have gotten to know your sub. This ensures that you will stay within the boundaries.

While you might prefer a type of BDSM lifestyle, it’s best to discuss this with your sub. This will allow you to find something that will suit both of you.

Location Of The Sub

It’s important to consider where the sub will be located. Sometimes, you won’t mind trying a long-distance relationship. For example, you can use sex toys to pleasure your sub from a distance. You can also ask your sub to send video or text proof that they have completed the requested tasks. This article gives you more tips on creating a solid long-distance BDSM relationship.

For some people, though, you will need a close enough sub to have a physical relationship with. This means finding someone in your local area or within a short drive.

Searching For A Sub

Now comes the most challenging part, finding your ideal submissive. There are a few places where you can look; these options include:

FetLife. This is the most popular BDSM social media site. As a result, it’s easy for you to connect with other fetish lovers from around the world through chat groups. Furthermore, there are many ways to find local events, like munches, to connect with your local BDSM community. But other BDSM-specific dating sites will also do the job, as we will figure out in the next subheadline.
Social media sites. You might want to try searching on Reddit. Subreddits like r/BDSMpersonals are a great way to find other kink lovers. You can also try Facebook Groups, which might be a way for local BDSM communities to keep in touch.
Munches. These are the best way to get to know the other kinky people in your local area. Often, these are non-fetish events in vanilla settings, like a coffee shop or bar. Because the BDSM community is so tight-knit, they can often recommend a sub that will mesh with your Domination style.
BDSM events. There can be a range of BDSM events that you can explore. For example, there might be an educational talk to help you learn new techniques. At other times, there will be a BDSM convention where you can purchase the latest sex toys. Or you might even find a local play party.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. Once you get involved with the local BDSM community, you will often find plenty of fun events hidden from the general public. For example, you might need to attend a certain number of munches before you are invited to a play party to ensure that you have been properly vetted.

A scene from the movie Fifty shades of grey

Best BDSM Websites And Apps For Doms

The best way to find a sub is through online dating. This will allow you to chat anonymously, at least initially. Here are some of the best dating options for a Dom to explore:

KinkD. This app works similarly to Tinder, allowing you to swipe to meet your partner. Plus, the users are validated to limit the number of fake profiles. The profile text should also let you tell if someone is a sub.
Alt.com. As one of the oldest BDSM dating websites, it has been able to amass a large user base. One of the best aspects is the ability to filter your potential matches by their favorite kink.
BDSM.com. This dating website allows you to search your local area based on kink. This will make it easier to find subs. Plus, there are plenty of forums to explore so that you can connect with other Doms from around the world.
Passion.com. A hugely popular dating website, with millions of daily users worldwide. It offers features ideal for BDSM lovers, such as searching based on kink and signing up as a couple or group. While primarily used for casual encounters, the website can also foster long-term relationships.
AdultFriendFinder.com. This site is the largest dating website on the planet, with an estimated 55 million visits per month. It offers cool features tailored to BDSM lovers, such as video and online chat rooms. With plenty of open-minded users and a robust search function, finding BDSM partners should be easy on this website. It also has various unique features, such as compatibility scores and the ability to post photos and videos.

If you are looking for more options, you can check out this guide to the 7 best BDSM dating apps and also the Top 9 BDSM Dating Websites In 2023.

Finding A Sub On Vanilla Dating Apps

Some people prefer to use vanilla dating apps. These will have a higher user base, which increases the chances that you will find a suitable partner. The downside is that you must vet your partner more closely to ensure they are ready for the BDSM lifestyle. Here are some tips to help you find a suitable sub on a vanilla dating app:

Using coded language. You can write a profile that clarifies that you are only interested in kinky pairings. This can be done subtly. For example, you might want to say that you are looking for someone who is open-minded or that you like to take charge in the bedroom. Or you can opt to be overt, saying that you are a Dom looking for a sub and that you like kinky sex.
Posting a suggestive. The picture is often one of the first things a person will see when looking at your profile.

If you want to learn more about this topic, here is your follow-up read: Top 5 Steps To Start BDSM Dating On A Vanilla App

Vetting A New Sub

Once you have found a potential sub, it’s time to vet them. This will ensure they will be a suitable playmate who will fit your needs. Here are some of the questions you should ask:

What are your limits? It’s essential to find a sub that will share your play style. Make sure you agree on the type of kinks you will explore and how hard you want to go in the bedroom. At first, it is common to want to take things a little slower while you get to know your partner.
How much experience do you have? This allows you to understand how much training you will need to do.
What do you want from a Dom? It’s essential to understand what your sub is looking for, so you can keep them satisfied. You can also talk about how you can use your power to improve their life.
What type of relationship do you want? Some people will be searching for a quick fling. Others will want to build a long-term relationship. Check that their goals align with yours.

Introducing BDSM Into The Relationship

Once you have built a trusting relationship, you can start to introduce BDSM concepts into the relationship. There are a few tips to keep in mind to do this successfully:

Establish safe words. Creating a safe word that will stop the play immediately is vital. Having a code word that will slow but not stop the play is also a good idea. This ensures that your partner will always be comfortable.
Include aftercare. Including some aftercare is vital to help a sub recover from a particularly intense scene. It’s best to discuss the type of aftercare your sub requires before beginning the scene.
Starting a Master/slave relationship. This is one of the most intense types of relationships, often requiring 24/7 play. It’s best to ease yourself into this type of dynamic. For example, you might want to start by building a vanilla relationship with only mild kink elements. After getting to know each other, you can upshift more and more until it’s time to negotiate a Master/slave contract. Details on this you’ll find here.
Get feedback. As the person who is in control of the scene, it is essential to get to know what your sub liked and what they didn’t. Because of this, it’s good to discuss the scene and how it made them feel.

Final Thoughts

Being a joy will be an excellent opportunity to explore your desires in the bedroom. When you have a good sub by your side, control will be willingly given to you. Then, you can train your sub to act the way that pleases you most.

But being a Dom is also a big responsibility. You will be responsible for caring for your sub and taking care of their needs. Hopefully, these tips will make it easier for you to find a sub that will suit your desires.

Single? Or in a relationship and looking for the third part in your BDSM game. Stop hesitating and take the plunge! Try one of our recommended dating websites to find your perfect sub: Passion.com, Alt.com, and Adult Friend Finder. Their massive user base gives you the perfect opportunity for success. So don’t wait any longer – sign up now and start your BDSM dating journey today!