If you are generally into BDSM and entering the dating scene, you often have two worlds to explore. You can stick to the more conventional vanilla dating scene. Or you can walk on the kinkier side of life and try BDSM dating. But which approach is right for you? To answer this question, we need to understand the differences between BDSM and vanilla dating.
BDSM dating encourages openness about sex, encouraging couples to communicate their fantasies from the beginning. Unfortunately, while vanilla dating isn’t focusing on kinks very much from the beginning, BDSM is often a taboo topic for some members of the vanilla dating scene.
It’s important to remember that one approach isn’t inherently better than the other. You will need to find something that works for you. Keep reading to learn how BDSM dating works and how to get started.
Biggest Differences Between BDSM And Vanilla Dating
As every relationship is unique, as well dating is unique. Thus we can identify some general differences between BDSM and vanilla dating approaches; these include:
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BDSM dating Fetish plays in the bedroom. BDSM couples don’t necessarily have more sex than vanilla couples. But they will utilize a broader range of toys and embrace kink play for a more varied array of sexual experiences.
- BDSM encourages openness about sex. Good sex can play an important role in a relationship, helping to bring you closer. It’s estimated that sex accounts for up to 20 percent of relationship satisfaction. BDSM couples tend to be more open about what turns them on. Often, it’ll be put directly in their dating profiles. On the other hand, this can be a taboo subject amongst vanilla couples, especially if you are into fetish play.
- More defined power structure. BDSM dating tends to involve a Dominant, who is in control during sex. However, this relationship might extend beyond the bedroom. For example, you can create a Master/slave relationship base on a BDSM contract. This can incorporate all parts of life, from dividing responsibilities around the house to detailing how the submissive or slaves can act in public.
- Some parts of the vanilla dating world can look down on those looking for BDSM sex. Sadly, some parts of the vanilla dating scene can kink-shame those in the BDSM community. To avoid this, it’s common to drop subtle hints that you are interested in BDSM dating when using vanilla apps. For example, you might want to say you are “open-minded” or “like to lead in the bedroom.”
- Kink dating is more niche. Fewer people are interested in BDSM dating, particularly if you want to try stronger kinks.
- BDSM dating can involve ethical non-monogamy. For example, a more established BDSM couple might turn to a dating app to find someone interested in a threesome. Most vanilla dating apps, though, tend to focus on forming a monogamous pairing only.
Fundamentally, though, both forms of dating are looking for the same thing. Both approaches focus on finding a partner you trust and who shares your values. BDSM dating might require a few extra boxes to be checked, as you need someone who will embrace your sexual fantasies and please you in the bedroom.
Are BDSM Relationships Healthy?
One of the most criticisms that are leveled against BDSM relationships is that they encourage emotionally unhealthy behaviors. This is often due to the use of dominants and submissive play, leading some people to believe that one person can exhibit excessive control.
These fears, though, aren’t based on reality. In truth, there are numerous ways that BDSM can help you build a strong relationship; these include:
- Improved communication skills. You can discuss your sexual needs with a partner and plan your BDSM scenes. This ensures you are familiar with each other’s boundaries and can negotiate. Plus, this will reduce sexual frustration, as you are both satisfied within the bedroom.
- Stronger mental health. A study from the International Society for Sexual Medicine examined the mental state of those participating in BDSM. They found they were more open to new experiences and felt more secure in their relationships.
- Building trust. Talking openly about your sexual preferences can be difficult, requiring you to put much trust in your partner. Furthermore, you must trust them not to cross boundaries during a fetish scene.
Because of this, many couples report that BDSM sex has been able to help them build a stronger bond. To learn more about this aspect, explore whether BDSM is good for relationships.
Which Dating Apps Should You Use?
There are dozens of dating apps out there. The ones you should use will depend on the type of experience you are looking to have.
Some of the most popular BDSM dating apps and sites include:
- KinkD
- BDSM.com
- AdultFriendFinder.com
- Pure App
- Feeld
- BDSMpassions.com
- Passion.com
- Vanilla Umbrella
- MeetBDSM.com
- #Open
- Bondage.com
- Fet Life
- Alt.com
If you want a more vanilla approach, you might want to consider the following:
- Tinder
- Grindr
- Bumble
- FriendFinder.com
- Plenty of Fish
- eHarmony
Of course, you don’t need to stick to either BDSM or vanilla apps explicitly. It’s often best to use a combination. For example, you might want to use both KinkD and Tinder. This allows you to get the best of both worlds. The people using BDSM apps will be a more open-minded community and more willing to embrace your kinks. This is especially beneficial for people who are into heavier fetishes.
However, more people use vanilla apps, so you have a greater chance of finding a potential match. Plus, many people are open to experimenting with lighter kinks, like using a flogger. If you want to try this, consider the AOXVIA 30-inch whip, which uses red faux leather to create a divine mix of pleasure and pain.
Can A Vanilla Relationship Turn To A BDSM Relationship?
Just because you have started a vanilla relationship doesn’t mean it has to stay this way. More people than ever are starting to embrace the world of BDSM play. Here are some tips to help you start incorporating kink play into a more vanilla relationship:
- Start small. If your partner doesn’t have much kink experience, you don’t want to overwhelm them by throwing them into a heavy fetish scene. But they might be willing to try wearing some BDSM gear like handcuffs, ankle cuffs, or a blindfold. This BDSM sex bondage kit will contain everything you need to get started and is made from great-looking burgundy-colored PU leather. Need a kick-start or want to know how to start the conversation about BDSM with your partner? See our article “Spice up Your Sex Life By Introducing BDSM.”
- Seek education. There are plenty of educational resources to help you learn how to perform BDSM safely. You can read books, watch online videos, or browse through the dozens of articles here on BDSMfreedom.me.
- Use the traffic light system (safe words). This is a simple way of gauging your partner’s comfort levels. Green means that they are happy. Yellow indicates that they are starting to feel a little uncomfortable. While you don’t have to stop, you should slow down or take a break. Red shows that they are feeling unsafe, and play should stop immediately.
- Discuss what happened (aftercare). Make time to talk to your partner about what happened during the scene and how it made them feel. Through regular communication, you can craft more pleasurable scenes.
As you continue to grow more comfortable, you can work on creating a deeper bond. This will allow you to experiment more in the bedroom and introduce stronger fetishes.
Of course, not everyone in a vanilla relationship will be willing to delve into BDSM. This is especially common when you seek a partner through a vanilla dating app. In this case, you might need to make the difficult decision to end the relationship and find a partner who will keep you satisfied in the bedroom.
Final Thoughts
Both BDSM and vanilla dating allow you to build a strong relationship with a partner who shares your values. The difference is in how you achieve those goals. BDSM dating encourages openness and experimentation, particularly in the bedroom. Plus, you can use plenty of fun toys, like handcuffs and whips, to explore your body and satiate your carnal desires.
Ultimately, though, the approach you take is up to you. If you want, you can even try using both vanilla and fetish apps and seeing the type of responses you get.