As a beginner submissive, you have so many things to learn – from being selective in who to submit to, asking the right questions, being comfortable with your fantasies, and exploring the limits of your BDSM relationship letting your Dom guide you. However, stumbling upon some common but avoidable mistakes can be easy.
Common mistakes of new subs in BDSM can be anything from submitting to anyone who calls themselves a Dom and setting too few or too many limits to expecting exclusive priority and getting too attached to the Dom. However, these and other errors can be avoided with adequate preparation and knowledge of your roles and expectations as a BDSM submissive.
In this blog post, we’ll explore the top 20 common mistakes Dom newbies make in BDSM and how to navigate them to create a healthy, enjoyable BDSM experience.
Let’s get started!
-
Thinking that submitting yourself is highly desired
Submitting yourself to a Dominant can be sexy, energizing, and even more intimate than other relationships. However, it’s important to remember that there’s no requirement for submission in BDSM. Many people enjoy power exchange for play rather than for a long-term commitment or lifestyle.
Submitting solely because your partner desires it should be avoided; you should want to submit as much as they want you to. This means understanding and trusting your limits and ensuring you’re in it for the right reasons. Submitting yourself for the sake of it is likely to backfire, as you won’t be as engaged in the dynamic, and it could potentially be dangerous.
-
Submitting to anyone who calls themselves a Dom
Submitting to anyone who calls themselves a Dom can be compared to driving a car when you don’t know who is behind the steering wheel. BDSM requires trust and understanding, and if you’re jumping into a situation with someone you don’t know, there is no guarantee that you’ll have either.
It’s important to research properly and ensure that your Dom is genuine, has good intentions, and knows what they’re doing. Take the time to get to know them and create a proper understanding and respect between you. Everything should be discussed openly, negotiate boundaries and limits, and agree to practice safe, sane, and consensual BDSM. Finally, don’t forget to understand the Dom you’re dealing with clearly– Are they only “pretending,” or are they really a Dom, Daddy, Sir, or Master?
-
Submitting while overly emotional
Submitting while overly emotional can be an all-too-common mistake for new BDSM subs. It can be tempting to “go for it” when you feel passionate and thereby thrillingly close to your dominance. Still, it can lead to overlooked safety protocols, a lack of clarity in consent, and regretful decisions.
So instead of jumping in before getting your safety and consent ducks in a row, take the extra time and energy to slow things down and ensure everything’s in order. Ensure that you’re entirely comfortable with the parameters of a given scene and that your Dominant knows what kinds of activities you do and do not consent to. That way, you can proceed confidently and enjoy the experience safely and securely.
-
Setting too few or too many limits
New subs often make the mistake of either setting too few or too many limits. Too few limits and the sub in question can be placed in situations they are not comfortable with. Too many, and the partners can’t reach a dynamic of trust and respect.
The key is finding the balance between what limits are and are not okay. As a sub, establish your “no-go” areas and what you’d like to explore. And go the extra mile; creating a BDSM contract for the scene or the relationship is more than worth it. Find more details about creating a BDSM contract in our detailed article here.
-
Being too general or too specific with wants
From the start, it’s crucial for new subs in BDSM to be aware of the pitfalls of being too generic or too specific with wants. Generalizing your desires can leave you feeling unfulfilled and unclear about what kind of experience you want. Being too specific, however, can limit your opportunities and make it challenging to find the right partner.
To avoid this mistake, finding your ‘sweet spot’ is essential. Communicate what you’re looking for without leaving significant room for misinterpretation – be as specific as possible, but be open to new experiences, and don’t be too narrowly focused.
-
Wanting to be like any other submissive out there
It’s easy to get caught up in wanting to be like the other subs out there – after all, they seem to have it all together! The problem is that just because one submissive has a particular style or way of doing things doesn’t necessarily mean it’s right for you. Each relationship is unique and will require different approaches, needs, dynamics, and expectations.
Instead of focusing on how to be like any other submissive out there, try to focus on what makes you unique. What do you bring to the table as a sub? Build on your strengths and weaknesses and create a dynamic with your Dom that works for both of you.
-
Thinking that the Dom is always right
It seems like a given that in BDSM, the Dom should always be right. However, that isn’t necessarily the case. New subs may mistakenly believe their Dom is always right and should always be heeded over their judgment. But the truth is, it’s essential to question the Dom when they don’t make sense or when their words or actions conflict with established safety practices.
It’s not disrespectful to verify if the Dom is giving advice that’s in the best interest of both of you. After all, trust is a two-way street, and both of you should be able to take part in decisions that are made for the relationship. By learning to ask questions about the Dom’s decisions, a new sub can better understand the dynamics of the relationship and foster a healthy BDSM lifestyle.
-
Thinking that the Dom’s pleasure is all that matters
One of the biggest BDSM mistakes for new subs is thinking that only the Dom’s pleasure matters. The fact of the matter is that the pleasure of both parties is equally important. Subs may forget that they, too, have the right to experience joy and to express their boundaries. This mistake can lead to resentment and stress, jeopardizing the emotional connection between the Dom and the sub.
To counter this, subs must speak openly about their desires and limits to ensure a healthy, fulfilling relationship between all parties.
-
Cave into sub frenzy
Sub frenzy can be best described as the unrealistic expectation for a new sub in BDSM to need to do all the kinky things right away. It is a mistake because it can be overwhelming and make the sub feel like they need to catch up with everything they may think they should be doing rather than setting their boundaries and figuring out what is uncomfortable for them.
It’s important to remember that when it comes to BDSM and exploring your kinks, there is no rush. Take your time to explore, set boundaries, and get to know yourself before thrusting into unknown and uncomfortable situations. Try starting with a few easier activities and work up to more intense ones you may be comfortable with.
-
Not setting limits and not using safewords
It can be tempting to immerse yourself in the BDSM world without taking the necessary steps to set limits and use safewords properly. However, this is a huge mistake for any new sub to make, as it can lead to a frightening or dangerous situation where one partner has little control over what happens to them.
Discussing limits with your partner beforehand is essential, and choosing appropriate safewords that indicate when someone is uncomfortable or wants to stop the scene is absolutely basic!
-
Automatically expecting exclusive priority from your Dom
Some submissive newbies to the BDSM lifestyle think their newfound Dominant is the sole key to their dreams, and it’s easy to expect exclusive priority. While exclusivity is a noble aim, both Dom and Sub must recognize and act per the broader BDSM system.
Although your Dom will provide guidance, it is up to the sub to maintain appropriate boundaries and understand that not all interactions may involve exclusivity and total ownership. Respect your Dom but remember to practice kindness and thoughtfulness in all interactions to protect your interest and that of your Dom.
-
Focusing too much on seeking ownership
Often, newbies to BDSM jump straight into wanting to be owned and commanded – and if you’re not a slave-type submissive (Sub, Slave or Bottom – Different or All the Same?), this eagerness can get in the way of an otherwise enjoyable BDSM relationship. If this sounds like you, take the time to explore why you want to experience ownership and take things slowly.
Start by mastering the art of submission; focus on the power exchange, use of submission signals, communication, and negotiation – these are vital aspects that any successful BDSM relationship should have. However, please resist the temptation to rush head-first into a Dominant/submissive dynamic and instead explore different roles and what it means to be submissive in various ways. A great way to start is by joining a local BDSM community and learning the dynamics in play between various submissives in BDSM.
-
Getting too attached to the Dom
In BDSM, getting caught up in the power dynamic and becoming too attached to your Dom is easy. However, suppose you are in BDSM based only on scenes and not for a relationship. In that case, it’s important to remember that this kind of BDSM play shouldn’t become a replacement for a two-way romantic relationship.
If you want more from your Dom than what you agreed upon at the start of your BDSM plays, it might be time to step back and reflect on why you might be getting too attached. It could be due to trust issues, a lack of self-confidence, or a need to be controlled. Whatever the reason, it is crucial to take a step back and reassess the situation before things become too emotionally charged.
-
Being reluctant to talk about any issue during sessions
Did you know one of the BDSM mistakes for new subs is being unwilling to discuss any issue during sessions? Far too often, silence leads to tiny issues growing into big problems. Even if your Dom is experienced, communication should be the priority.
Stay open and honest during BDSM sessions and communicate your thoughts and feelings without hesitation. Don’t let fear, nervousness, or embarrassment stand in the way of expressing yourself. Bring up issues if something doesn’t feel right, and don’t be afraid to say “no” to a demand that makes you uncomfortable.
-
Not performing a “safety assessment” or negotiation process before starting play
One of the most common mistakes new participants in BDSM make is not performing a safety assessment or negotiation process before starting play. Having all the kink’s expectations and boundaries is imperative before entering a scene. Without this, it’s impossible to do BDSM safely and consensually.
So, before stepping onto the scene, sit down and explicitly discuss both partners’ expectations and safewords. Discuss what to expect during the scene, physically and mentally. Then, lay down those expectations and negotiate any changes that may come up during the session. Doing this is the only way to ensure everyone is on the same page and comfortable.
-
Being too embarrassed to talk about their fantasies
If you’re a new sub to the BDSM scene, it can be easy to get embarrassed about talking about your fantasies. But don’t let that stop you from expressing yourself! Before you tell your Dom what you like and don’t like, get comfortable with what you’re about to say.
Spend time writing down your fantasies and how you want to explore them; this can help you feel more confident when communicating them. And once you’re ready, be open and honest when talking to your Dom – they’re there to listen and help your fantasies become a reality.
-
Forgetting to check in with your BDSM partner regularly
The mistake of forgetting to check in and communicate with your Dominant is unintentional and may also be a sign of carelessness. This could confuse the Dom and might make them uneasy. The point of BDSM is to create a comfortable, open, and transparent relationship.
To avoid this mistake, it’s essential to check in with your partner regularly, even if it’s just a text or a quick phone call if you’re in a long-distance BDSM relationship. Not only will this keep the relationship healthy, but it also ensures both of you are up to date on what possibilities and limits you have together.
-
Expecting all BDSM scenes to be perfect
New BDSM participants often have preconceived notions about how BDSM scenes should look: exciting and perfect! While there is nothing wrong with wanting perfection, it’s essential to recognize that BDSM requires learning, unlearning, and re-learning. Mistakes, blunders, and flubs are often part of the normal process of getting in the groove of BDSM.
It’s best to enter with an open heart, an open mind, and a willingness to learn and be patient. Perfection is often a skill developed over time. So instead of expecting perfection, accept that it’s okay to have some bumps in the road and savor the moment, knowing with time and practice, perfection will eventually come.
-
Expecting too much of your Dom
Too often, new submissives mistake their new relationship as one in which their Dom will do everything for them. While having a Dom in their life may have rewarding benefits, expecting too much from them can quickly cause disappointment and an unhealthy dynamic.
Submissives should also respect that their Doms are human, and just like any relationship, communication, patience, and understanding are essential. Finding a partner who is open, honest, and mature enough to meet the relationship’s needs is crucial, but expecting them to fulfill every other personal need or fantasy you have is simply unrealistic.
-
Assuming that BDSM equals pain/torture
Many new subs in BDSM assume that BDSM equals pain or torture when it encompasses so much more than that. It can involve intense sensory play, role-play, and various other activities that don’t have to involve any pain or torture. BDSM can be tailored to fit any couple’s needs, wants, and desires. Pain is only a tiny part of what BDSM can and should be.
Experienced practitioners often recommend starting slow and exploring different activities and pain levels before diving head-first into a more painful situation. It can be pretty jarring for someone who isn’t used to it. So don’t get pain and BDSM confused – BDSM can be what you and your partner want it to be and doesn’t have to involve pain or torture if you don’t want it to. Interested in what BDSM could be? Find 40 different BDSM activities in our detailed article here.
New Submissives: Avoid These BDSM Blunders
We’ve gone through the top 20 common mistakes that new subs in BDSM play tend to commit. From thinking that submitting is highly desired to get too attached to the Dom, albeit an exciting experience, BDSM requires precautionary measures, especially for new practitioners. The key to avoiding these common pitfalls is to ensure one establishes boundaries, considers safety assessments, explores fantasies, communicates their wants and needs, and is willing to learn and grow. Do all these right, and BDSM may just be highly enjoyable!