The journey to becoming a Dom comes with many twists and turns, and often those new to the lifestyle make common, costly missteps that can be easily avoided.
Common mistakes of new Doms include not establishing and following safe words, not setting limits and boundaries, and not giving yourself and the submissive partner proper aftercare. Therefore, it is essential to understand your roles before engaging in BDSM activities and to be mindful of your and the submissive partner’s safety.
From the very foundations of a Dom dynamics title to engaging in activities, there is a lot that one needs to know and keep in mind when exploring BDSM. In this blog post, we explore the 20 most common mistakes made by new Doms and how to avoid them. Let’s dive right in!
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Failing to establish a close connection with their sub
Having an effective and close connection with your sub is a crucial priority for all Doms. Many new Doms neglect this crucial aspect of BDSM and fail to establish an intimate relationship with their sub. This leads to a dull and dry experience with no chemistry or sparks between the Dom and the sub.
One effective way to ensure this connection is to have regular conversations with your sub. This primarily benefits new Doms who have not yet established trust and understanding.
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Thinking that you are always right as the Dom
When first starting in the BDSM scene as a Dominant, it can be easy to fall into the trap of overconfidence. Thinking that you know everything and always being right can be a major mistake. This kind of attitude can lead to damaging outcomes in both the relationship and BDSM sessions.
The Dominant has to remember that the power dynamic is based on trust, consent, and communication. Therefore, it’s important to remain modest, never forgetting that you are still responsible for your partner’s safety and pleasure as a Dom.
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Not setting limits and boundaries for yourself as the Dom
If you’re new to BDSM and taking on the role of a Dom, setting limits and boundaries for yourself is crucial. Failing to set limits can lead to problems later on, as you may find yourself in a situation you are uncomfortable with.
Before beginning your BDSM activities, take some time to think about your comfort level and the activities that you are and are not willing to engage in. While it’s essential to remain open-minded and explore new possibilities, being honest about what you are unwilling to do is just as important.
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Ignoring the sub’s boundaries and limits
Ignoring the sub’s boundaries and limits is a common mistake for many new Doms in the BDSM world. Unfortunately, this mistake can be too costly as a sub’s boundaries and limits are the most important things to be respected, followed, and never overstepped.
Doms should “check in” regularly with their sub about their comfort level with different activities and consent and be mindful of any changes to their boundaries and limits. Doms should never assume that their sub is alright with something and should always respect the sub’s decisions.
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Being over-controlling over your submissive life
New Doms in BDSM can sometimes make the mistake of being overly controlling of their submissive life. It’s important to remember that your submissive is an individual with their own life and desires and that it’s essential to trust them and remember that you can’t control their every move. This can be especially difficult for those new to the lifestyle, as it can be tempting to want to micromanage everything.
To avoid this, discuss your expectations and desires openly with your submissive, ensure your rules are fair and reasonable, respect their boundaries and choices, and give them the freedom to make mistakes and learn from them. A work worthwhile is creating a BDSM contract, even if it’s only for scene, but your a much more sure that both of you are on the same page. Find more details in our article “Master/slave Contract – How To Start To Create One.”
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Not establishing and following safewords
A safeword is a way for the submissive to communicate to the Dominant that a scene should stop or slow down. This could be because the submissive is uncomfortable, in pain, or attempting to reach a limit they have communicated beforehand. Without a safeword, the submissive may struggle to communicate effectively, and the scene risks going too far.
Establishing a safe word and discussing it with the submissive before beginning a scene is crucial. Once the scene is underway, Doms should ensure the safeword is respected, and the scene can stop whenever the submissive requests it.
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Trying new things without first learning how to do them properly
New Dominants in the BDSM world naturally want to explore and gain experience in all sorts of activities immediately. However, trying new BDSM activities without first learning how to do them properly is one of the common BDSM mistakes for new Doms.
Researching and studying techniques and safety protocols is important to ensure a healthy, enjoyable experience for both parties. Many Dominants start by reading various books and watching tutorials to understand the different techniques they want to try. Joining BDSM groups and attending workshops with experienced Dominants can also be invaluable information, advice, and mentorship sources.
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Moving too quickly through progressive levels of intensity
One of the classic BDSM new Doms mistakes is moving too quickly through progressive intensity levels. While it is easy to become excited and swept away in the power dynamics of it all, rushing through the activity without sensitivity to the needs of your submissive is a surefire way to create a harsh and unwelcome experience.
First, discuss boundaries, desires, and limits with them, then experiment together in comfortable ways for both of you. When the time is right, introduce more intense activities gradually, with care and compassion. Talk to one another before and after each session to address issues safely and respectfully.
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Not providing the sub with proper aftercare
Another mistake new Doms make regarding BDSM is not providing adequate aftercare for their subs. Aftercare is an essential part of BDSM and should not be overlooked.
Showing physical and emotional support to the sub, such as snuggling, providing a blanket, water, or snacks, and being available for a listening ear are all ways to provide adequate aftercare. It’s also best to check in with the sub the following day and ensure their well-being. Thorough aftercare is just as important as the scene itself, so ensure that when engaging in BDSM, aftercare is provided to enhance comfort and satisfaction after the scenes.
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Thinking you don’t need self-care and aftercare themselves
Many new Doms in BDSM mistakenly view self-care and aftercare only as something they must provide to their partners. However, self-care and aftercare aren’t solely for the submissive— Doms need them too!
Doms should spend some time consciously caring for themselves as their rigorous dynamic might place demands that are physically, emotionally, and mentally demanding. Each type of self-care varies from person to person, but it might include engaging in a hobby, getting enough sleep, trying some relaxation techniques, or eating healthily. Similarly, aftercare for the Dom may involve self-reflection or conversing with the sub about how the session went and what can be done better.
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Not understanding their roles as a Dom before engaging in activities
It’s all too common for inexperienced Doms to dive into a BDSM relationship or dynamic without really understanding their role. It’s essential to educate yourself ahead of time to be sure that you understand what being a Dom entails.
For example, you want to know your limits and what type of activities you can engage in, know the importance of communication and consent, and be realistic about your expectations of your partner. You should also be open to learning from the other participants and be willing to adjust when needed. Taking time to understand your role and expectations as a Dom before starting activities will help your BDSM relationship to flourish over the long term.
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Not telling the truth about their experience level
New Doms should never lie about their level of experience! Honesty is of the utmost importance in BDSM relationships, as it allows both parties to come to a mutual understanding and trust each other. It’s understandable to feel unsure or shy when starting out, but lying about the experience is not the answer.
If this is the case, being honest and willing to learn and try new things together as partners is best. Being open and honest in a BDSM relationship is essential, and lying undermines the trust between partners.
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Not being mindful of the sub’s safety
Not being mindful of the sub’s safety is one of the most common BDSM mistakes for new Doms. Doms should take the time to discuss the rules of play and desired expectations for activities with the sub and assess their comfort level before playing.
Doms should always ensure that the sub has a safe word and knows the risks of BDSM activities. To minimize risk, maintaining a constant dialogue with the sub during a session is essential so that the Dom is aware of how the sub feels and can adjust accordingly. In addition, have all your BDSM tools and equipment checked, tools maintained and cleaned properly.
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Not getting creative, thinking there’s a particular way of doing things
That’s another common mistake amongst newer Doms in BDSM – not getting creative and having the misconception there’s a specific way of doing things. The beauty of BDSM is that it’s completely subjective to the individuals participating and should reflect their needs and wants.
An excellent tip for newer Doms is to get creative. Talk to your partner beforehand and listen to their desires, then determine what methods and techniques will suit your needs and style. Then, experiment! Try different ways, ideas, and approaches to elicit your partner’s response. Don’t be afraid to step out of the box and spice things up with a few surprise tricks.
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Changing your natural personality to fit the image of a Dom
When entering the BDSM world, some new Doms think they must change their natural personality to become the serious, strict archetype often associated with the role. However, this is a mistake, as there is no set mold to fill.
Instead, you should embrace your style and discover the type of Dom who works for you. It is about finding your voice and not trying to fit someone else’s. Owning and celebrating your natural personality is key, be it loving, strict, easygoing, stern, or any combination. After all, that is one of the beauties of BDSM– discovering what works for you and who you are.
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Letting personal feelings and emotions mix with the BDSM activities
One of the biggest BDSM mistakes for new Doms when engaging in BDSM activities is allowing their personal feelings and emotions to mix in with their activities. This can be dangerous because it can create a situation where a Dom experiences guilt or anxiety when engaging with the sub.
A Dom should make the distinction to keep their emotions in check and ensure that their activities are tailored to their pleasure and desires and their sub’s. Doing so will ensure they don’t confuse their emotions with their actions and cause undue stress or anxiety.
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Not having a form of communication that allows the sub to express discomfort
Being in a BDSM relationship carries a certain level of trust and understanding. But if a Dom is new to the scene, they may not realize the importance of communication. According to scholars, communication is essential for having a positive BDSM relationship. But, not having a form of communication that allows the sub to express discomfort or dissatisfaction is still one of the typical BDSM new Doms mistakes.
Talking openly and addressing any issue quickly is essential to maintaining a healthy relationship. A Dom should always ask their sub if they’re comfortable with what they’re doing. This open communication is vital for setting the groundwork for a successful, satisfying BDSM relationship.
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Not giving enough direction or feedback
When it comes to dominating in BDSM, it’s easy to get caught up in the power play and forget to give your submissive clear direction and feedback. Unfortunately, this mistake can cause the whole experience to be less enjoyable.
To prevent this mistake, give your submissive lots of feedback and direction during your BDSM session. This will build trust and vulnerability, creating a better scene overall. Host check-ins throughout to ensure communication is on track and let your submissives know when they have done something right or wrong.
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Focusing too much on the kink, neglecting the mental aspect of BDSM
Falling into the alluring perspectives of BDSM can be so easy, yet it requires much more than simply envisioning how it could go down. So many new Doms forget the mental aspects of the practice, which can be crucial to having a safe, healthy, and enjoyable experience.
The power dynamics must be carefully thought out and discussed before and during the activities. Negotiations must also be done to establish boundaries, as these activities can often bring up challenging emotions. Therefore it is essential to remember that BDSM is not just about the kink but rather the connection, understanding, and trust between partners. Creating a space for self-reflection, connection, and respect for your partner is essential.
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Trying to be a perfect Dom
Some new Doms make the mistake of thinking that to be a good Dom, they must do everything perfectly. This can be overwhelming, especially for someone who is just starting out and has much to learn.
The best way to become a great Dom is to focus on mastering one skill at a time. Start with something you’re comfortable with, and remember that even the most experienced Doms make mistakes, so don’t get down if something doesn’t go as planned. The journey to becoming a great Dom may be long, but with the right approach, you’ll get there.
Conquer these Common Mistakes of New Doms!
Becoming a successful Dom requires a lot more than just knowing BDSM techniques – it requires understanding the roles, responsibilities, and safety protocols that come with it. With this knowledge, you can avoid making these 20 common mistakes of new Doms in BDSM and truly empower yourself and your sub. So, take the time to learn, develop your skills, experiment, be honest and be mindful of the sub’s safety – and you’ll be well on your way to becoming a successful Dom.