When it comes to BDSM punishments, getting it right can be tricky. With so many potential pitfalls, it can be hard to know what to watch out for – and sometimes, you don’t even know there’s a problem until it’s too late.
BDSM punishments must be carried out safely, ethically, and consensually. Especially as a Dominant, it is crucial to be aware of common mistakes to avoid when administering punishments, such as using excessive force, neglecting aftercare, and allowing emotions to affect the punishment process.
In this post, we’ll be looking at 11 mistakes to avoid when executing BDSM punishments so that you can ensure that punishments create a meaningful effect.
What Are Some Common Mistakes in BDSM Punishments?
We’re all human at the end of the day, and as much as an experienced BDSM player might be, we still make mistakes occasionally. That’s why it’s great to have our heads up for common BDSM punishment mistakes. Whether you’re just starting or you’ve been in the BDSM scope for some time, it’s wise to be aware of the main pitfalls of punishments.
Here are 11 of the most common BDSM punishment mistakes that you should watch out for:
1. Insufficient definitions of the infractions, punishments, and consequences
It’s easy to get carried away when it comes to BDSM punishments, but don’t let yourself get so caught up that you forget to make things super clear. You don’t want to punish your submissive partner for something they had no clue about, right? That wouldn’t be fair, would it? Please ensure that all rules and expectations are clearly defined and that your sub understands them. Then the punishments will be much more meaningful, hopefully ensuring a behavior change from your sub, and that’s what you finally want.
2. Not allowing the submissive to express consent
This one is a no-brainer, but it still needs to be said. All activities with BDSM will require an explicit agreement, so your submissive must be allowed to express their consent to the punishment- if they don’t, then the game is off. Honor your sub’s rights, and make sure they are fully aware of and comfortable with any punishments that will be carried out. That way, you won’t run into any complications, and the retribution will be much more effective.
3. Allowing too much time between punishing an infraction and when it happened
This brings us to the importance of ‘cause and effect.’ As any experienced BDSM practitioner will tell you, the punishment should be given shortly after the infraction, or else you’re essentially in a situation where the punishment has no real prompt consequences, which is the entire point of BDSM punishment in the first place. But keep in mind, if the infraction too emotionally engages the Dominant part, give it some time to calm down before executing the punishment (see also point ten below).
4. Using excessive force
While acting with an air of Dominance is a crucial component of BDSM punishments, that doesn’t mean you should feel the need to be excessively forceful. Especially when administering physical punishments, it’s essential to remain aware of your sub’s well-being and only go as far as what is agreed upon. Intensifying the punishment beyond what the sub consented to is one of the most common mistakes in BDSM punishments to avoid.
5. Not monitoring the sub’s mental and physical state during punishment
You’ve already agreed on a specific process for the punishment. But just because you’ve got a plan doesn’t mean you should stick to it, no matter what. Throughout the punishment, you should get regular check-ins with your sub and monitor their mental and physical state, stopping the punishment immediately if they can’t handle it. This should go without saying, but even in the heat of the moment, don’t forget that safety must always remain a priority regarding BDSM punishments.
6. Refusing to listen to the sub’s feedback
In addition to monitoring the sub’s mental and physical state during punishment, you must remain open to feedback they provide throughout and after the punishment session. Without communication and feedback, you’ll have a harder time being efficient in the punishment and miss out on an opportunity to learn something valuable about your sub’s limits and capabilities. So don’t skimp on communication– it’s a crucial part of this kind of punishment in BDSM.
7. Punishing the sub for something out of their control
This is also one of the most common mistakes in BDSM punishments that must be avoided. Punishing the sub for something out of their control, such as being too ill to finish a task by a deadline, is unfair and unethical. Instead, the punishment should only extend to breaking the agreed rules, preferably in a commonly negotiated and agreed BDSM or Master/slave contract. Otherwise, you will end up in an unnecessarily messy situation and create an environment of mistrust.
8. Using a punishment that doesn’t work for your sub
Not every punishment is meant for every sub, so it’s essential to be flexible enough to tailor it to your individual sub’s personality and needs. For example, if you have a masochist sub, their punishment may require a different approach than physical punishments, which they’ll most enjoy. Again, it’s about ensuring effective punishment, regardless of the sub’s specific fetishes.
9. Using the same kind of punishments so often that the sub begins to tune them out
Even if specific punishments work for your sub, you should still vary the type of retribution. Changing things up keeps the penalties fresh and engaging, so instead of relying on the tried and true methods all the time, rotate between classic and creative punishments, mental, physical, and romantic ones, electro, etc. (all these punishment ideas can be found on our Punishment Category). That way, your sub won’t get used to a single type of punishment and will start to tune it out.
10. Allowing emotions to affect the punishment
Feelings like anger are normal when your submissive has done something to break the rules of the BDSM relationship you two have set. That said, the punishment should remain a calculated and controlled process, and you should strive to avoid allowing emotions to affect it. As a Dom, you should administer the punishment fairly and in a way that ensures your sub remains safe and respects their boundaries- letting your anger take over and disrupting that process goes against the fundamental tenets of BDSM.
11. Neglecting aftercare
BDSM aftercare is a crucial practice for kinky couples and should never be neglected, regardless of what kind of punishment the sub has just experienced. Resolve any issues that might arise during the punishment, check in with your submissive to ensure they’re feeling alright, and ensure you provide care and comfort where needed. That way, there won’t be any residual tension hanging in the air, both of you will be at ease, and you’ll have a much smoother transition from punishment to play.
Conclusion
There you have it: 11 BDSM punishment mistakes to avoid when discouraging misbehavior from your sub. While it’s understandable that a few mistakes may happen from time to time, as long as you know the basics and keep these points in mind to make sure you stay safe and avoid any potential issues, BDSM punishments can be as efficient and effective in behavior modification as you’d like them to be!
To learn more about how the whole process of punishment should look to be efficient, check out our article: The 6-Step Framework For Best Results in BDSM Punishment.
